Inner and outer self

I want to play the role of the man who works diligently on his task and never gives up. The fire of his actions burn away the ugliness of his being until his is a well tempered beautiful work of art and perseverance. But this is a role I wish to play, this is a role that I know how it works so I choose it as my best option. There is a distance between me and the role I wish to play. Long as it is a role I am not it. It is not me. I am something before I was the role. How many roles have I taken before, how many of my self was I before the role I had taken. I cannot remember these. None come to mind. I know I am different than I was before. But it feels like it is a part of me. A part of who I always was. So is the role good or bad? Is the role a fake facade to assist me in life because my true self isn't good enough for the task or situation at hand? Or is the role a part of development in life. Are these roles I choose to step into just that? Steps in a long staircase. Each one a change I need. Maybe my picking of that role is my own instincts or nature leaning in favor of what is right. So why have I not yet reached my role? Day to day I play it but at some time the mask always comes off and this scared soft creature is pulled out of its shell. This is humiliating. But this humiliation, is it part of growth aswel? Is this the correct course of life? That we continue to strive for new roles, new ideas of ourselves or people we want to become and along this road from time to time the illusion of our roles becomes shattered so the small true creature inside can be humiliated and humbled. What's the purpose of this humiliation? Why is it a pattern or variable in the program or machine of life? Does humiliation in some way strengthen the soft being within? As the roles strengthen the outer being? The roles we choose do in some way strengthen our outer being, the only reason we seek roles to play it to better press ourselves onto the outer worlds. It is when the outside world presses onto our inner selves that we are humiliated and reminded that we need stronger roles, stronger shells. For the humiliation reminds us that we can always be thwarted. 

In youth all humiliations reach the soft inner being because there is no separation between the inner and outer beings. The inner being is the outer being. The being is truly whole. But without its protecting of roles and outer being humiliation reaches its target on the surface with little effort. But humiliation in itself is not sentient and has no intention. The universe provides these humiliations countless time in various forms. Some forms are small and weak humiliations like the insults we endured as children that we look back on and think are silly from our perspective of hardened inner beings with structurally sound outer beings. With each humiliation we endure we immediately each a more effective outer being to replace the old one that let the humiliation through that caused pain to the inner being. Being wounded brings up new questions. How can the inner being become genuinely stronger if it's immediate defense to trauma is to like a coward seek a new lie about itself to convince others that it can not be touched by this humiliation? That depends on how much of a lie the newly chosen role is. Is there a point where the outer chose role actually because the role of the inner self and the inner self grows just behind the outer self. So when you compare a child and we'll developed adult the inner selves would be badly different and in the developed man the inner self was formed from multiple over riding layers of outside roles that had been chosen, moved into then bypassed by humiliation. And instead of casting away the past role, it moved inward. So with each successive role that is externally chosen, the inner self successfully makes it a part of itself.because from the beginning the inner self wishes to become the role it selects. 

Another piece of the puzzle is when looking back on past humiliations, without knowing you are thinking of humiliations you may see them as times you were hurt or exposed. You are pulling up memories of times where your inner self was exposed or threatened. This can make you feel scared of being exposed despite your new found roles that you have integrated into yourself. You are a stronger more resilient inner being because of these humiliations or injuries of the ego. Knowing this you should be able to peer into the past when these things happen and not become injured again by them. If you do than you have not chosen roles for yourself that proper healed you and defended you from that humiliation or injury to the ego. Therefor you have not adapted to the specific stresses placed upon you for your own development. If you respond to humiliation or injury to the ego by selecting roles that build defenses against not what actually caused the humiliation or injury to  the ego then something has gone wrong. The inner self has to reach a place of understanding where the humiliation came from and what it actually was. 

A soldier in war cannot think to wear chain mail armor to defend against blade strikes if the last time he was attacked, he did not recognize that he was attacked with a blade. This could be because he simply did not see it. If this is the case he needs to ask his trusted circle, provide what he knows and see what answer then can give him. He tells them he was struck and cut but did not bruise. His friends and family tell him it must be a blade. So this young soldier equips his chain mail armor and marches off to fight his foe again and just so happens his foe was wielding a sword. The other may be that the soldier was young but very proud of his ability with a sword and to always evade attacks and could never be hit by a blade and the one day he is struck by a blade he is too ashamed to admit what injured him. If he survives and continues to deny what hurt him, he may build defenses for himself that would not defend against a similar attack. Surround yourself with other people to encourage you and your activities and your growth because they will have defenses or outer self constructs that could protect you later in life that you don't know that you need right now. Rather than wait for the time that humiliation comes for you and exposes you to your inner self weaknesses you will respond to those typically very well and you buildup and choose the outer roles required to defend yourself in the future from that humiliation but as I spoke of before sometimes people do not understand or see what they were humiliated by or what harm to them or what injured there have now or they will not see or accept what harms them because they are too ashamed to come to grips with what actually hurt them. When you surround yourself with other people that are intelligent strong willed and everything that you think you should be you will pick up their traits and you will begin to copy their outer egos this is beneficial for the man or woman to become a fully fledged adult because by adopting these ego traits you're becoming stronger before you were ever attacked you are building the fence is specifically suited for humiliations and injurious to your outter ego before they even occur by doing this you are setting yourself up to never be humiliated but this will not happen the person will always become humiliated now the danger about modern day society is there is no initiation stages there are no guarantees that you will become humiliated as you should become humiliated to stimulate your growth because if you become protected and defend on all sides and build your outer ego you go to such an extent that you make it through many and many years of life past adolescents and dawning into being an adult and maybe even into the mid life or late life without your humiliation ever reaching deep into your inner being and exposing it this could leave you open for horrible catastrophe horrible breaking down of the outer self while the intercept grieves this is what are you seeing your typical midlife crisis how do you overcome the mid life crisis how do you overcome him and humiliation that reaches this deeply into your inner self.

Fire, Fenrir and God

Its like being on the edge of a dream, knowing the dream is a dream and that you are asleep. The simple act of waking up seems easy, just needs to be willed. I see him and recognize him. I give him a face and a name. My volition and desire for life. The ever hungry beast that cannot be tamed. What a horrible life when that wolf goes hungry and sick. Like a dog left dying in the streets. But even skinny, sick and weak dogs gather in packs. They find the food they need and will eat anything to survive. But this beast goes much further when fed and strong. He is like fire. Fire will burn eternal with enough fuel. From a simple match to the stars in the sky. Fire was started and as life willed it, the fire became light that stretches the universe.

Do not let yourself become closed to the will of the beast. This beasts name is much greater than you think. Its energy is everywhere and could be taken as divine will. Or the will of god. God's will is your will, not the place which you open yourself for the puppeteers hand. You are a conduit for gods will but not a puppet of it. This is an active existence that is created in front of you not within or behind you. Do not internalize and hope that divine will once you have burn away and deleted so much of yourself that you are a empty husk, a willing vessel. You are making yourself open for other beings and influences not God's will.

This universal energy needs to be forgotten about to be obtained. Do not align your life so that you are the perfect place for it to be. You are a child of the universe not it's mother. You will not draw the universe into you by talking sweetly with it and giving it hugs and kisses. You can do that to make yourself feel good but the universe will not flow into you just because you hug trees. The universe loves all its children but flows through the children that do something and follow their own unique expression of volition and desire of life. Living these to their fullest is the true nature of the universe. Now forget that the universe is your mother and that you are the universe. You are direct extensions of it. Now when you boggle yourself down and forget your fire and spirit you start to die. Like cells in the body you will take your way and the living cells will move you out of the way so you can be replaced and disposed of in due time. Or maybe you will be ripped apart and used for the living cells needs. Either way your existence is no longest needed or others will use you to ensure their existence. When the cell is dead its dead. That one little blip in time cannot be recreated consciously. Luckily you are different and live much longer than the cell. When you forget your fire and die inside you can be reborn by allowing what died to be taken out like trash or be scrapped and reused in part with new living things. Whatever the process may be the old you will die and a new you will be born. Whats so amazing and beautiful is that you will remember all of it and gain great insight and awareness of life around you. Like someone finally showed you how the pattern goes. For years you looked at it and couldn't make sense of this series of events and there timing. It seemed like a chaotic mess but now you see a grand and very precise pattern. One so large its hard to fully grasp and may even enlighten you that this pattern when looked at may end suddenly before completion. This is because you are about to see this pattern extends your experience beyond physical life.

Lunar Goddess

Find me above the waves that you have always know.
Within the sky that is made of lights you have never seen.
Find me in a part between here and then.
Between the sheets and across the planes.
Do not open you're eyes or else you will miss me.
See when you feel and feel what you see.
Taste and smell the moment.
Feel the shape.
If you want to dance you can fly.
And if you want to fly you will soar.
If you want to swim you will run.
And if you want to climb you will jump.
Feel the heart that beats inside beat where you are and where you want to be.
All the dots connect and suddenly you are there.
And suddenly you are here with me.
You don't see my smile but you know I'm happy to see you.
I've waited, and I've watched.
Loving you, every step of the way.

Coins

He was a small old thing who walked night and day. Never was there a day he was caught resting but also never was a day he was seen without walking. Always going from one place to another with no real sign of reason or purpose. Just filling time with travel, like hw was waiting for something. But y the years shown on his skin and how low his eyes hung it was clear he has been waiting a very long time. His shoes so worn he was barefoot with hold worn toes and heels. Dirty hair and raggedy cloths that looked as though they were once a nice outfit. 

I once stopped the man and asked who he was. I had seen him for years, heading from one place to another. His hair always grew a little longer but he never seemed to change and I felt like I knew the man but never spoke to him. He gave me no name, just told me he was busy and had to go. He went about his way. A few days later I seen him again as I was getting the mail. It was early and the sun was just coming up. I'm one of the few people up early enough to catch sight of him when he is looking for food. In and out of pales like a racoon. I went inside and fetched a few pieces of fruit and some bread. By the time I came outside he was already around the block. I approached him and offered the food. He almosy considered but turned away from my offer and left. 

I didn't see him in my neighbourh hood anymore after that. He seemed to move closer to the inner city. I couldn't imagin that is was nicer during the nights down there. I worked in the city so sometimes on my drive in I would see him just walking. I made a habit of leaving early for work so I could sit in a park near my office building for an hour and maybe catch sight of him and appologise so he would feel he didn't need to come down this far. I had also kept a change of cloths in my car I was going to offer him.

Finally one afternoon after I was off I decided to go to the park and relax and see if he would make an apperance, I brought the cloths with me just incase. Sure enough he showed up, just walking. He walked right by me and I stood up and called to him. he regognized me and with a friendly wave and smile he said hello. 

I was happy he asckowledged me. I invited him closer and I  began to explain that I was sorry for making such an offer and I didn't mean to insult him. He hushed me quickly and said it was ok. He also declined the cloths I offered him, despite he was wearing the same outfit now I seen him in weeks ago when I offered him food. He tried to tell me that he has everything he needs. I asked what he meant from this. He pulled out this little pouch like some merchant from the middle ages would carry silver and copper coins in. It was leather with a tie at the top. He opened it and showed me this coins inside. They didn't shien or luster but I knew they were gold. 

I was a little shocked but I understood why he hadn't tried to sell them, they might have some other value to him. But I still asked why. He told me a long time ago there was a woman in his life that was everything to him. He always joked around about how you invest in people and they make you grow. He laughed and told me he used to be a accountant. I laughed aswell because I was too, standing a block away from my firm. 

I asked what about the coins? He said even though investing your time and energy into people is just a metaphore that when someone loves you they leave you with something beautiful and as long as they love you that gift shines like the morning sun. But when they leave you keep your gifts, but they no longer shine like they used to. But once in a while they tend to remember you and think about how beautiful the days were together. That memory brings light into those gifts. 

So she gave you gold coins I asked. He said that part wasn't important. As he said that the coins somehow went from being dull and tarnished to somewhat more pretty and reflective. He smiled and closed his pouch and said he needed to be going. I nodded and wished him the best of luck. He smiled and went about his way. I still wonder how those coins shinned so magically, and where he was heading off to once he seen it. 

Steel

How can one do the right thing when the right thing is death?

Loving, caring and self torture are what I have grown into. I want whats best, to guide and nurture. To be like a mother raising her child. Trying to remain transparent but just and good. Trying to forget my own position within the hurricane. The pain I feel will be nothing as long as I can see them become happy and well. But what when what they want is for you to be gone. To no longer look over them, to remove yourself from your purpose.

What do you do when the purpose leads you to the end of your purpose? You find new purpose. You forget that goal, that agenda because it was a dead end and find a new one. It doesn't matter how much that thing meant to you. You are not alive and it is not. If you want to live as a corpse, continue to believe in the dead and you will soon be one. But to live you must look up at the light and look for whats next and whats new.

Create something else out of the pieces left behind by the destruction of your former self. Melt them down and reforge them into harder steel. If it broke before it must be fixed and made better as to withstand more next time. And it may break again, and again, it may only last a day every time you reforge that steel. But at the end of every day you return home with your broken sword and reforge it. Maybe its an ax now, tomorrow a hammer. You will keep reforming it, remaking it, giving it a new name until one day it withstands no matter what they throw at you. Make your weapon your friend, your lover, your family and your god. It knows everything about you and you know everything about it. The weapon is your purpose. When your purpose it strong and true to your heart your weapon will never break.

None

Without title is how life happened, when the camera is no longer rolling and the pen is laid down. The wind blows and the sun shines, a whole world spins out of control hurling through space at unfathomable speed, leaving a trail of dreams, life's and souls behind. Generations come and go, each standing on the death of the last growing ever closer to the sky and reaching through the clouds for some reason forgotten. We once knew why we reach for the stars, why we are here but that reason died long ago but the desire for the result persists. We strive to find where we came from and who placed us on this planet, the true source of life in the universe. Struggling to remember our own history before their brief reality we call earth. What is us is much older than this small planet, and most likely the galaxy itself.

A place for murder

I know we never felt the same
Talking about feelings can be so lame
These walls could use a brand new stain

Sweetie there's no need for tears
Let's talk about something else
How about when you said your gone
How about when I said its wrong
You just got to run away
I was left begging please god stay

You think your the one in pain
You think I'm the one to blame
Stop those tears and scream my name
I've never felt quite the same