I sat still, unable to move for what felt like forever. I had so many visions pass through my mind of all the futures that lay out before me. Even other peoples futures. Their hearts and my hearts. I thought about them all. I wondered about myself and my worth, I thought about if I could step up to the plate through my grand decisions. My thinking fell stale and cold. My heart stopped shaking and my tears did dry. I felt mindless and motionless. This was the least painful place but the most dead. The state I took without thought showed me something. I couldn't be making the right choice if uttering the words has frozen me.  I recount dozens of times I shook in my shoes trying to tell my parents I wished to play as a child with my lips sealed shut against my will. Some anxiety of the possible or likely denial of my desires. Here I am in the same state. The state I think I will move to is not my goal, honestly the place itself does not attract me. I am more scared of the emotions I will feel being so far away from anything I have known. I am afraid of my emotions and how they take me so strongly, how they steal me from being responsible. I told my close friend I was afraid because I felt my life now was my test and if passed, I could progress higher into life and take on more tasks and be a more accountable person who created things. Right now I feel that I am someone who does not produce but simply reflects and reacts. I have a body and mind that are often out of my control. My will is shaken easily by the whims of my heart and it's cries for love.

I have read and listened to my heart and have understood you are the path, you are the death of my inner child. You present to me the cruel and cold realities of life and how they fuse in motion with light and blissful love. I read once that is the expression of the pure female. You have always been the goddess trapped and suppressed.

My heart guided me to you and I wished to revive the child in your heart. I know now to protect my joy, to protect my innocence. I understand you more. I understand your state. I get what you lack you may attack me for. I feel strong in dedication. But I feel broken in dedication not matched. I wonder if I can ever escape a feeling like that. I wonder how many questions I have to ask before I'm ready to step into lights life unafraid and act as my spirit wills and watch my body and world follow suit with enough joy and innocence to enjoy the ups and downs of all the things that come to be.