This blog never had a reason or purpose.

I've come to realize I feel same to expose my broken self here. When I am faced with myself or the problems I hold inside I can come here and speak from the heart about it. I am the only one who hears my words. But slowly that is starting to change as each day more and more views seem to find their way here and that amazes me. For moment it made me rethink how I typed here. I think about my writing more, my use of profanity, my spelling and grammar. It was never about that before. Just type as fast and as passionate as possible and maybe one day when I'm famous I can pay someone to go back through all of this and spell check it for me.

I've worked myself into a messed up position because I feel like I'm trapped inside a cage between what I need myself to be and what I am being. I can write lists and listen to videos about how to structure and guide this change but I simply feel empty from time to time. No will or spirit to push me and my body feels useless, like it shouldn't be here it is. Almost like a magnetic repulsion I feel rejected by the very air I hold in vacuum by my physical body filling that space. I am allowed here, part of my existence warrants that. But yet I still feel like I don't belong. Like I am solar powered on a planet that has no sun. Where is the will and energy filling the air, filling me? The air I breathe is a stale air, the energy I spend is energy on reserve. Where it comes from I don't know, but I'm always a marker from empty yet I never totally run out. I'll run so low and keep on spending and there isn't a single good thing about it. It makes me feel like I am eternal but eternal in stress, not eternal in joy. What is a ever lasting life in that life is spent in confusion and restlessness.

I want these hands to craft what I know they can but they feel forced, my heart stands in the way and my eyes drop to the floor. Why must I become my own obstacle. What am I to myself? Why is this concept so confusing? Why can I not define myself? What am I? What is my place in all this? Am I here to create chaos? Solve problems? Spread love? Or to self serve and build for my own enjoyment and survival. The latter is the only I feel any connection with now. As each hand I have reached out has gotten bit. But I feel my debts grow up the help of family in supporting me. I despise this debt, I feel stained and ruined by it. I feel as though I can't act on my own regard when being held and houses by someone else. When their dollar becomes my blood, my blood is not my own.

I have to move from this place but to do that I must move these hands. These hands won't move when carried but such a heavy heart. I wish this weight was lifted, I want all these emotions that hold me back to go away and for the heaviness to be carried on my shoulder upon strong legs. Not holding this heart which should soar so very close to the ground. Trying to be out of sight and out of might. My wants and needs conflict with each other. The desire to be important, to sen messages and change lives. To speak without hesitation but to remain unnoticed so I can act without thought about judgement of my actions. Why do these opinions matter? After many men have had horrible actions and equally horrible character but have gotten much farther in life and seem to live much happier.

So many paths, I love to study the path. How they become, what they are. It's all very interesting to me because my own path makes no sense to me. It's where the math begins to cave in when I observe myself, my history so that I am see who I am, how I became who I am. The reasons I place seem like lies beneath the surface to explain things so I can hide from the real problem. Explain the surface to ignore the core. But I cannot see this core, I don't know if it exists. I don't know if anything exists. My efforts into it feel like I am being tricked or fooled. Or that all this life will come to an end where I am laughed at by ancient spirits. There is no place in the reality I hold in my mind where I can escape the unrelenting judgement of my peers.

I wish to see the body of my father. Such a strong, bold, violent and provocative thing to say but I feel no statement stronger. The effect his presence had on my forming was like cancer in my blood. How I feel ruined by such a mans guidance. How I feel less, how I feel I have no beliefe in myself because of this origin. Whilst I trace my path I find myself in front of him, this great destroyer, this irresponsible and morally dead man.

So much hate inside, wanting to let it all go but I feel how it tugs against the flesh of my soul. How it stings as it pulls. How I feel I loose just another slice of what I feel is real. How in my mind I hold my world at a touches distance. Where I can feel it all as though it were in my hands. All my senses come to the surface and my imagination uses them all to construct the images in my mind. So much more than images, memories. Smell, touch, taste, sound, and sight. But when I let go, when I choose to forget I loose a part of my ability to remember. With each memory I cast away it becomes harder to form new ones. Always with less detail or I can only remember them through certain senses.

I don't want to be this, how can I let go of my angers and still remain the man I am?

I think the answer is I cannot. I do not believe great men are men who forget who wronged them, men who forget why the world is wrong. Men who forget are men who are forgotten.

Tomorrow

And as I breathe I fell the stress and tears that hide between the fibers of my muscles.

My worn stiff and tired muscles.

In the night when I am lost to myself, in this dangerous mysterious world of the night.
Left alone to the imagination I'm convinced I no longer have, I remain totortured by it. Teased and lied to about it missing state as I know very well it have remained here with me. Hidden behind the scenes with a mind of its own as it is no longer happy with my uses for it. A child in mind and at heart he only wishes to play. Say playful things, do senseless things. I understand. I listen the best that I can so that I may follow in the wishes of my spirit. Who I think is my spirit. With me always, but yet I feel so alone in the night. So who am I? Am I the perversion of the childs spirit which needs to be cut away and burned? Has the real I been fooled so well? Or am I the matured and changed man held behind by some much that isn't willing to grow with him. Why when I command steel I only recieve this painful fleash. I need what is harder, what stays stronger longer. I have many jobs, many goals, many works that these tired stiff muscles will have to see their way through. If I am a demon this wil be my disaster because my life is a game, a token. I can spend it as I wish, if these be a hijacked life so be it. I am sorry to all those who would have loved this devine boy. The music lover, the dream weaver, the heavy hearted, the head in the stars. The dark prince. He says goodnight. The warrior rises, a king in his wake.

Awake

In the years before I was a man I had a deep chained to the Earth connection to certainty in the structure, origin, and real truth but not in words or declarative knowledge. Just an emotion of safety and certainty in what i think and feel is the truth. I had no questions about it yet I was always curious. Was this a strength or a thankful state of ignorant bliss. Was the state, not needing words to describe what truth is a connection to truth like the umbilical cord to the baby and after the time comes the cord is severed and the child has to pull is truth and blessings from the ground, the world, and the people around him. He eats of the Earth so his body is maintained and grows while before he received his nutrients from mother while he remained asleep. So we in mind and in heart disconnect from mother and turn to take what we once received while we sleep from the waking world. 

How It's Going To Be

Look around and you find me
With a book in hand for the world to see
Behind the tree with you right beside me
I know this ain't right but I cant find the might to see that light
Wrapped up like this again
Don't know if I can keep a friend
I know this isn't the time for you and me
But you have to see
Has to be
Another catastrophe
Running at me
Thousand miles an hour straight at me
My minds gone apathy
What's this supposed to be
Joyous, happy, merry?
I don't know if I can find what's mine in this brief time you've handed me
Crunch time
When you close mine
Take it away
What am i supposed to say
Another reject or retard
You say run but how far
I cant take this another day
There just has to be another way
When the fuck are you going to see
This ain't a game to me
When you going to quit playing me
I can turn this shit around
But you never make a fucking sound
Oh no not this again
cant you see that I need a friend
In this time of need cant you hear my plea
Right here beside me like its supposed to be
just like you promised me
just like how we'd be free
But here we are once again and I cant even call you a friend.
Responses, monotonous, irrational nonsense.

Sun Between Us

Youve thrown away so much
But not enough
Not enough for me
Were you wrong about me
What you thought you could tell me
What you thought I could handle
Was it really that wrong
I dont know what its like to be you
I dont know if I would be different if I was you
Maybe I would say the same things
Maybe I would do the same things
So how can I judge you
But youve come this far
Youve done all these things
Youve thrown away so much
And it was to be with me?
Are you inlove or are you reckless
Is this destiny or is this an escape
Is this the happiness you are looking for
Or is this a patch on your scars
They may seem the same
But are you running to me?
Or just running away
Is it because of me or would someone else been good too
Long as they loved you
Would you run to anyone who loved you?
Or do you run here because you love me too
Maybe the way you love me is different than what Ive known
I dont fully grasp it
I cant deny it
I cant look at you and say you dont
I cant doubt you like that
But because you love me, doesnt mean you dont hurt me
Ive hurt you too
Is this toxic love of a beautiful struggle.
This doesnt seem like a romantic story anymore
This seems like a tragedy between two people
Broken by the past and scared of the future
People who dont make good choices
They are honest, they follow their hearts
But those hearts have been broken
They dont know what they are doing
I dont know what I want
But what Im doing now isnt right
I wonder how often you think the same thing
I know you have, but that thought was long ago
When did we fall inlove
When, through my walks in the woods with my phone in had
Talking to an old friend
About the heart, always about the heart
We seen eachothers
What light did we see that we would cast away
What light convinced us that our love would overcome all our wrongs
Is the passion still there
Does a fire still burn
Does that light still shine
I dont know
But I cant let go and I cant forget
I cant ignore, im a part of this, im what pulled you
And you are what pulled me
Magnets.. more like planets, with a sun between us.
How close can we come
Or would we be burned alive.
Always feeling the pull
But it is not clean
My stomach still turns, I fear the embrace
Held at a distance rather than held in open arms
But is this just me, my conditioning
My joy being your trauma
Mistakes in communication
I want you here
Not your body, not your mind
Just your heart and your voice
Leave the world behind you
Let me see you like I seen you before
Let me see the that light
My emerald jade talisman.
Symbol of trust and bond, warm, welcoming, understanding, hearing, seeing.
Ive felt moments where we crossed lines between you and I
Where I cant tell if my thoughts are my own
Us as one, so hard to avoid when your so much the same.

Far Above

And what have I become
Another one in line with nothing to say and nothing to feel.
Asking a million questions, I'm running in circles.
This person that I am, the one who I'm not.
I thought I knew but that was before I lost track.
Somewhere in the years the I was all wrapped up I lost myself.
One thousand feet off the ground feeling like the sun is pushing me to the ground.
I want to fly but what carries me drives me into the ground.
This passion is confused, lead into darkness with the lantern carried by a quiet and absent heart.
Dragging heavy feet behind me I make my choices.
Do what's right or what let's me sleep at night and not always the same.
Sometimes I cry and I always tell the ones who I think care so they know I know how to feel still.
With this life you think I would be long gone, dead inside or given up.

I latch on, running, screaming.
Away from myself, away from the noise.
Never can I come back down, where I wish I was.
I'm not strong enough to stand on my own two feet so I fly.
What do I do, what do I do.
The silence, the time.
Sounds like an answer but ends up being a sentence.
I write it out because I want you to see it.
I want to know I'm real so tell me you see me because I forget I'm here.
Just like I was taught.
Hide that heart, silence that voice.
Those words don't want to be heard.
Do not disturb.

I've been afraid for too long to shake the supports of the world.
I didn't know if I could handle when it fell.
Pointing to you, thinking you would never be ready.
Inside I know I'm not ready to see this fall because it wouldn't be into my hands.
In my hands, filled with pain and anguish.
Not the love I wished would fall there.

But how far do you want me to come?
How many doors I'm not ready to open must I face?
How much do I have to swallow?
How much do I have to accept?
I can't be another one when you are the one.
You can't be the one when I have to wonder.
I can't question myself everyday...
Feeling guilty for feeling.
Knowing how I want to grow, knowing who I want to be.
Open to everything and everyone.
When I find myself there I want to be surrounded with love and safety.
But does it ever end up that way?
Pushing, expecting.
This is my heart, this is my all.
The root of my whole, where all I am begins from what I feel.
This is not.
Not the space, not the time.
Not like this, not with so much pain.
So much suppressed, so many lies.
Sometimes not lies but words unsaid, things not known.
A soul with mine fluid and together, clear, connected.
The light inside shines and shows all corners of each others deep corners and shadows.
Being fully exposed before gods eyes, the eyes that peer into me and all my shadows.
Seeking.
Liberation.
When all my secrets are told maybe I can let go of the past and live with you right now, in every second.
You my love, you myself.
When I traveled I looked at the time, a time for a wish and this was mine.
In this life or another... together, found.

Over and Over

In over our heads.

I've been in over my head.
Every bite I take it too much than I can handle.
I'm not very good at chewing, my teeth arn't straight but I can bite.
When I wanted to love I promised you something beyond myself.
I promised you my goals
I promised you would never receive me as I am.
Because I am not perfect.
You get the best of me, better known as the me I don't have.
A life together, once maybe twice.
I believed in my promise.
No matter how tight the noose pulled.
I said I wouldn't give in.
I never did, I laid on the ground with the weight of the world on my chest and waited till I could move with my new burden.
No matter the time inbetween.
A promise is a promise.
Love and loyalty, something to prove.
Always something to prove.
Right before I could, the burden was taken away.
You think of weightlessness and freedom.
No, emptiness.
Incredible void.
From the dark void one day shines light that cannot be seen.
That which holds me upright
That which fills my heart and sharpens my spear
That which moves my hands and moves my feet.
I find myself at the mountains top.
With no way down, the void returns.
A mystery what drove me here.
I cannot understand, the presence and absence of spirit.