Descent

I come across many days I want to close my eyes and fall deep into my mind and heart. Somewhere I could find the knowledge and the reason to move foreword. If their are two sides to the coin, my external and internal motivation. My internal desires to be bright,  multi talented, healthy, strong, successful, enlightened and generous. My internal is motivated to seek out the things I need to absorb in order to achieve my goals. But my internal also senses the issues that are keeping me from my desires. My internal senses that I'm not retaining information I study or read. My internal is numb to the difference when I eat healthy or not so much. My internal is pained whichever direction I take so the most logical step is if in every direction is pain, to bide my time doing as little work as possible. The misaligned bones of my neck, my heart that gathers sharp pains coupled with my lungs when worked, my clicking popping hips always nagging at walking long distances, my shaping aching joints, my inability to urinate like a normal person. The feeling of being sliced open when going to the bathroom, the blood in my stool. My internal is beyond lost in what to do. I have never felt so mortal, or so useless and old.

My external sees a world filled with people doing exactly what I want. My external knows there is thousands to compete with to find my place in the achieved life I want. My external looks at the under educated, money hungry doctors and wonders if there is any help for my internal pain. My external sees the quality of the food and the black curtain between me and the place it comes from, the people who lie to make money while destroying peoples health.