I try.

There is never a day that you are better than me. Day in and day out I make a decision, a choice to be "nice" but in no way by nature am I kind to you under my surface, I am kind to very few and after years of kindness you will always recivce bitterness from me. No matter who you are, or what you are to me you will never be what I expect you to be to me. I am flawed, I am dense and block out certain points. I am a being of many layers, deep inside to the surface are different people all together. Some strive to become more enlightned, to let go of everything and feel love, be kind to all despite all flaws, some parts are entangled with the heart and thrive on emotions. Emotions like hate, love, sex, happiness, depression. These things drive my semi-inner layers. These things block and cloud the person I wish to forge myself into. Time after time, I select knew people to be before the last one can be finished, a pile of half completed versions of the self lying neatly one ontop of the next. The identity becomes nothing more that a blurry image that is ever changing.

I try, these one version does try. I strive and ache for a better being. a beind that is held back but these broken selves. They call me slow, stupid, without drive, purpose or direction. Some of these things I call myself, some of these things I know. I am not what anyone thinks of me.

I am behind, years behind even. Racing against time to catch up with my self who is enjoying a life I don't yet have. A man years ago that I once was had everything figured out, knew exactly how to obtain a life he knew he wanted. I fell behind, I seen the path and choose to turn away and take another path. The path had a dead end, and I seen no right way but the one I abandoned. So I chase after that light, the light that grows ever dim. I know this light will extinguish before I reach it. I know I must find new light, I must strive to create a life I never knew of, One I could have never imagined. No perfect world is the one first imagined, the first attempt is always without refinement. I have matured, I understand more and while I lack the simplicity of innocence and ignorance that would give me the simple noble answers I have the ability now to make a world that is more diverse to my needs.