Recently I sat down with myself and thought about all the things that have happened in the past year or two. I don't know how much time has really passed because I am terrible with judging large amounts of time.
I realized I had lost much of my confidence. After I had lost many things I have loved my heart and mind began to sink. I apologise now if some of my wording does not make sense. I'm speaking straight from the heart and mind and sometimes I have problems wording things correctly in idle chatter.
It makes me feel like I have failed myself in some odd way because I cannot remember the anniversary of Sam and I. Though I guess to anyone else things like that shouldn't matter considering it's been almost a year now that we have been apart. Almost a year has passed since the last time I had tried to plan a time for us to be together or do something special. It's funny, I would see her twice a week every week. There was even a time she stayed at my home for almost two weeks. Which would be crazy considering we were both only teens. She parents would have filled if they knew she slept in my bed with me. I didn't care. The love was strong. I was 'ignorant' as elders would say. Saying that age didn't matter. But even with how often I would see her I would still plan little things for us to do once a month when that date would come around. I felt it was okay to do so. Life moves so fast you never know when things could just come crashing down. Why not show once a month for that first year how much you care? Why not show it every day? Well I did.Or at least I tried to.
I don't wish to plunge into the feelings I had and the feelings I think she had, and if she ever really had them or not. I've gone over that too many times and each with no answers. It's impossible for me to know when not even she knew. Or at least, she claimed not to know. But things came to a harsh end, I was hurt, so badly I couldn't stand myself. The year we were together was amazing to me. We did so many things. I grew so much.
If it were not for her and her family I would be a totally different person right now. I'm happy with the impact she left of my life and at the same time I hate her for it.Why leave such a beautiful picture hanging on the wall of a place I love so much but can never return to? It's terrible but the memory is still nice.
Once my heart settled I decided I wanted to move on, have some fun but nothing serious like I wanted between me and her. Sadly that wasn't what I got. I fell...hard for yet another and very quickly. I had myself convinced that it was just the build up of feelings I had for Sam flowing over into a new conduit. It was after months that I realized this wasn't true. This woman... Dara... She gave me many reasons to believe I loved her for genuine reasons, not left over feelings. And again I was hurt, deeply. She took a liking to being down on herself, self mutilation... On a very small degree but enough to make me stand up and say something. Time and time again did I say something. It tore us apart. She wanted to deal with her problems on her own. I couldn't do it. I've been taught my entire life to do for others, help whenever you car. Live for someone else, not for yourself. You come second, your loved ones come first. So that's what I did. I tried to help her, I tried to twist her mind to believe she was the beautiful smart valuable young woman she really was. I'm not sure if she did believe it but just wanted to display someone else or if she truly believed she was worthless, or maybe just useless in the eyes of others or unwanted. I partially blamed her mother. She didn't sound like the best of women. That also came to and end.
For reasons I can't understand all the things that made me grow so much through the course of time between these two women started falling in reverse and I was loosing what had made me well... me. So I went back to the people who were always waiting there for me and again I was betrayed and left behind. I had someone or something chosen over me. My self worth kept getting lower and lower. I got the the point where I could not longer outwerdly expresse myself to people, I no longer wanted to. But after my very long talk with myself I finally convinced myself I need to express myself to people and also not care if they care or not. They can take it or leave it, I should not care one bit. A fisherman does not care of the fish that do not bite his line, he cares for the one he does and he works... By god does he work to real in that fish.
