Inner and outer self

I want to play the role of the man who works diligently on his task and never gives up. The fire of his actions burn away the ugliness of his being until his is a well tempered beautiful work of art and perseverance. But this is a role I wish to play, this is a role that I know how it works so I choose it as my best option. There is a distance between me and the role I wish to play. Long as it is a role I am not it. It is not me. I am something before I was the role. How many roles have I taken before, how many of my self was I before the role I had taken. I cannot remember these. None come to mind. I know I am different than I was before. But it feels like it is a part of me. A part of who I always was. So is the role good or bad? Is the role a fake facade to assist me in life because my true self isn't good enough for the task or situation at hand? Or is the role a part of development in life. Are these roles I choose to step into just that? Steps in a long staircase. Each one a change I need. Maybe my picking of that role is my own instincts or nature leaning in favor of what is right. So why have I not yet reached my role? Day to day I play it but at some time the mask always comes off and this scared soft creature is pulled out of its shell. This is humiliating. But this humiliation, is it part of growth aswel? Is this the correct course of life? That we continue to strive for new roles, new ideas of ourselves or people we want to become and along this road from time to time the illusion of our roles becomes shattered so the small true creature inside can be humiliated and humbled. What's the purpose of this humiliation? Why is it a pattern or variable in the program or machine of life? Does humiliation in some way strengthen the soft being within? As the roles strengthen the outer being? The roles we choose do in some way strengthen our outer being, the only reason we seek roles to play it to better press ourselves onto the outer worlds. It is when the outside world presses onto our inner selves that we are humiliated and reminded that we need stronger roles, stronger shells. For the humiliation reminds us that we can always be thwarted. 

In youth all humiliations reach the soft inner being because there is no separation between the inner and outer beings. The inner being is the outer being. The being is truly whole. But without its protecting of roles and outer being humiliation reaches its target on the surface with little effort. But humiliation in itself is not sentient and has no intention. The universe provides these humiliations countless time in various forms. Some forms are small and weak humiliations like the insults we endured as children that we look back on and think are silly from our perspective of hardened inner beings with structurally sound outer beings. With each humiliation we endure we immediately each a more effective outer being to replace the old one that let the humiliation through that caused pain to the inner being. Being wounded brings up new questions. How can the inner being become genuinely stronger if it's immediate defense to trauma is to like a coward seek a new lie about itself to convince others that it can not be touched by this humiliation? That depends on how much of a lie the newly chosen role is. Is there a point where the outer chose role actually because the role of the inner self and the inner self grows just behind the outer self. So when you compare a child and we'll developed adult the inner selves would be badly different and in the developed man the inner self was formed from multiple over riding layers of outside roles that had been chosen, moved into then bypassed by humiliation. And instead of casting away the past role, it moved inward. So with each successive role that is externally chosen, the inner self successfully makes it a part of itself.because from the beginning the inner self wishes to become the role it selects. 

Another piece of the puzzle is when looking back on past humiliations, without knowing you are thinking of humiliations you may see them as times you were hurt or exposed. You are pulling up memories of times where your inner self was exposed or threatened. This can make you feel scared of being exposed despite your new found roles that you have integrated into yourself. You are a stronger more resilient inner being because of these humiliations or injuries of the ego. Knowing this you should be able to peer into the past when these things happen and not become injured again by them. If you do than you have not chosen roles for yourself that proper healed you and defended you from that humiliation or injury to the ego. Therefor you have not adapted to the specific stresses placed upon you for your own development. If you respond to humiliation or injury to the ego by selecting roles that build defenses against not what actually caused the humiliation or injury to  the ego then something has gone wrong. The inner self has to reach a place of understanding where the humiliation came from and what it actually was. 

A soldier in war cannot think to wear chain mail armor to defend against blade strikes if the last time he was attacked, he did not recognize that he was attacked with a blade. This could be because he simply did not see it. If this is the case he needs to ask his trusted circle, provide what he knows and see what answer then can give him. He tells them he was struck and cut but did not bruise. His friends and family tell him it must be a blade. So this young soldier equips his chain mail armor and marches off to fight his foe again and just so happens his foe was wielding a sword. The other may be that the soldier was young but very proud of his ability with a sword and to always evade attacks and could never be hit by a blade and the one day he is struck by a blade he is too ashamed to admit what injured him. If he survives and continues to deny what hurt him, he may build defenses for himself that would not defend against a similar attack. Surround yourself with other people to encourage you and your activities and your growth because they will have defenses or outer self constructs that could protect you later in life that you don't know that you need right now. Rather than wait for the time that humiliation comes for you and exposes you to your inner self weaknesses you will respond to those typically very well and you buildup and choose the outer roles required to defend yourself in the future from that humiliation but as I spoke of before sometimes people do not understand or see what they were humiliated by or what harm to them or what injured there have now or they will not see or accept what harms them because they are too ashamed to come to grips with what actually hurt them. When you surround yourself with other people that are intelligent strong willed and everything that you think you should be you will pick up their traits and you will begin to copy their outer egos this is beneficial for the man or woman to become a fully fledged adult because by adopting these ego traits you're becoming stronger before you were ever attacked you are building the fence is specifically suited for humiliations and injurious to your outter ego before they even occur by doing this you are setting yourself up to never be humiliated but this will not happen the person will always become humiliated now the danger about modern day society is there is no initiation stages there are no guarantees that you will become humiliated as you should become humiliated to stimulate your growth because if you become protected and defend on all sides and build your outer ego you go to such an extent that you make it through many and many years of life past adolescents and dawning into being an adult and maybe even into the mid life or late life without your humiliation ever reaching deep into your inner being and exposing it this could leave you open for horrible catastrophe horrible breaking down of the outer self while the intercept grieves this is what are you seeing your typical midlife crisis how do you overcome the mid life crisis how do you overcome him and humiliation that reaches this deeply into your inner self.

Fire, Fenrir and God

Its like being on the edge of a dream, knowing the dream is a dream and that you are asleep. The simple act of waking up seems easy, just needs to be willed. I see him and recognize him. I give him a face and a name. My volition and desire for life. The ever hungry beast that cannot be tamed. What a horrible life when that wolf goes hungry and sick. Like a dog left dying in the streets. But even skinny, sick and weak dogs gather in packs. They find the food they need and will eat anything to survive. But this beast goes much further when fed and strong. He is like fire. Fire will burn eternal with enough fuel. From a simple match to the stars in the sky. Fire was started and as life willed it, the fire became light that stretches the universe.

Do not let yourself become closed to the will of the beast. This beasts name is much greater than you think. Its energy is everywhere and could be taken as divine will. Or the will of god. God's will is your will, not the place which you open yourself for the puppeteers hand. You are a conduit for gods will but not a puppet of it. This is an active existence that is created in front of you not within or behind you. Do not internalize and hope that divine will once you have burn away and deleted so much of yourself that you are a empty husk, a willing vessel. You are making yourself open for other beings and influences not God's will.

This universal energy needs to be forgotten about to be obtained. Do not align your life so that you are the perfect place for it to be. You are a child of the universe not it's mother. You will not draw the universe into you by talking sweetly with it and giving it hugs and kisses. You can do that to make yourself feel good but the universe will not flow into you just because you hug trees. The universe loves all its children but flows through the children that do something and follow their own unique expression of volition and desire of life. Living these to their fullest is the true nature of the universe. Now forget that the universe is your mother and that you are the universe. You are direct extensions of it. Now when you boggle yourself down and forget your fire and spirit you start to die. Like cells in the body you will take your way and the living cells will move you out of the way so you can be replaced and disposed of in due time. Or maybe you will be ripped apart and used for the living cells needs. Either way your existence is no longest needed or others will use you to ensure their existence. When the cell is dead its dead. That one little blip in time cannot be recreated consciously. Luckily you are different and live much longer than the cell. When you forget your fire and die inside you can be reborn by allowing what died to be taken out like trash or be scrapped and reused in part with new living things. Whatever the process may be the old you will die and a new you will be born. Whats so amazing and beautiful is that you will remember all of it and gain great insight and awareness of life around you. Like someone finally showed you how the pattern goes. For years you looked at it and couldn't make sense of this series of events and there timing. It seemed like a chaotic mess but now you see a grand and very precise pattern. One so large its hard to fully grasp and may even enlighten you that this pattern when looked at may end suddenly before completion. This is because you are about to see this pattern extends your experience beyond physical life.

Lunar Goddess

Find me above the waves that you have always know.
Within the sky that is made of lights you have never seen.
Find me in a part between here and then.
Between the sheets and across the planes.
Do not open you're eyes or else you will miss me.
See when you feel and feel what you see.
Taste and smell the moment.
Feel the shape.
If you want to dance you can fly.
And if you want to fly you will soar.
If you want to swim you will run.
And if you want to climb you will jump.
Feel the heart that beats inside beat where you are and where you want to be.
All the dots connect and suddenly you are there.
And suddenly you are here with me.
You don't see my smile but you know I'm happy to see you.
I've waited, and I've watched.
Loving you, every step of the way.

Coins

He was a small old thing who walked night and day. Never was there a day he was caught resting but also never was a day he was seen without walking. Always going from one place to another with no real sign of reason or purpose. Just filling time with travel, like hw was waiting for something. But y the years shown on his skin and how low his eyes hung it was clear he has been waiting a very long time. His shoes so worn he was barefoot with hold worn toes and heels. Dirty hair and raggedy cloths that looked as though they were once a nice outfit. 

I once stopped the man and asked who he was. I had seen him for years, heading from one place to another. His hair always grew a little longer but he never seemed to change and I felt like I knew the man but never spoke to him. He gave me no name, just told me he was busy and had to go. He went about his way. A few days later I seen him again as I was getting the mail. It was early and the sun was just coming up. I'm one of the few people up early enough to catch sight of him when he is looking for food. In and out of pales like a racoon. I went inside and fetched a few pieces of fruit and some bread. By the time I came outside he was already around the block. I approached him and offered the food. He almosy considered but turned away from my offer and left. 

I didn't see him in my neighbourh hood anymore after that. He seemed to move closer to the inner city. I couldn't imagin that is was nicer during the nights down there. I worked in the city so sometimes on my drive in I would see him just walking. I made a habit of leaving early for work so I could sit in a park near my office building for an hour and maybe catch sight of him and appologise so he would feel he didn't need to come down this far. I had also kept a change of cloths in my car I was going to offer him.

Finally one afternoon after I was off I decided to go to the park and relax and see if he would make an apperance, I brought the cloths with me just incase. Sure enough he showed up, just walking. He walked right by me and I stood up and called to him. he regognized me and with a friendly wave and smile he said hello. 

I was happy he asckowledged me. I invited him closer and I  began to explain that I was sorry for making such an offer and I didn't mean to insult him. He hushed me quickly and said it was ok. He also declined the cloths I offered him, despite he was wearing the same outfit now I seen him in weeks ago when I offered him food. He tried to tell me that he has everything he needs. I asked what he meant from this. He pulled out this little pouch like some merchant from the middle ages would carry silver and copper coins in. It was leather with a tie at the top. He opened it and showed me this coins inside. They didn't shien or luster but I knew they were gold. 

I was a little shocked but I understood why he hadn't tried to sell them, they might have some other value to him. But I still asked why. He told me a long time ago there was a woman in his life that was everything to him. He always joked around about how you invest in people and they make you grow. He laughed and told me he used to be a accountant. I laughed aswell because I was too, standing a block away from my firm. 

I asked what about the coins? He said even though investing your time and energy into people is just a metaphore that when someone loves you they leave you with something beautiful and as long as they love you that gift shines like the morning sun. But when they leave you keep your gifts, but they no longer shine like they used to. But once in a while they tend to remember you and think about how beautiful the days were together. That memory brings light into those gifts. 

So she gave you gold coins I asked. He said that part wasn't important. As he said that the coins somehow went from being dull and tarnished to somewhat more pretty and reflective. He smiled and closed his pouch and said he needed to be going. I nodded and wished him the best of luck. He smiled and went about his way. I still wonder how those coins shinned so magically, and where he was heading off to once he seen it. 

Steel

How can one do the right thing when the right thing is death?

Loving, caring and self torture are what I have grown into. I want whats best, to guide and nurture. To be like a mother raising her child. Trying to remain transparent but just and good. Trying to forget my own position within the hurricane. The pain I feel will be nothing as long as I can see them become happy and well. But what when what they want is for you to be gone. To no longer look over them, to remove yourself from your purpose.

What do you do when the purpose leads you to the end of your purpose? You find new purpose. You forget that goal, that agenda because it was a dead end and find a new one. It doesn't matter how much that thing meant to you. You are not alive and it is not. If you want to live as a corpse, continue to believe in the dead and you will soon be one. But to live you must look up at the light and look for whats next and whats new.

Create something else out of the pieces left behind by the destruction of your former self. Melt them down and reforge them into harder steel. If it broke before it must be fixed and made better as to withstand more next time. And it may break again, and again, it may only last a day every time you reforge that steel. But at the end of every day you return home with your broken sword and reforge it. Maybe its an ax now, tomorrow a hammer. You will keep reforming it, remaking it, giving it a new name until one day it withstands no matter what they throw at you. Make your weapon your friend, your lover, your family and your god. It knows everything about you and you know everything about it. The weapon is your purpose. When your purpose it strong and true to your heart your weapon will never break.

None

Without title is how life happened, when the camera is no longer rolling and the pen is laid down. The wind blows and the sun shines, a whole world spins out of control hurling through space at unfathomable speed, leaving a trail of dreams, life's and souls behind. Generations come and go, each standing on the death of the last growing ever closer to the sky and reaching through the clouds for some reason forgotten. We once knew why we reach for the stars, why we are here but that reason died long ago but the desire for the result persists. We strive to find where we came from and who placed us on this planet, the true source of life in the universe. Struggling to remember our own history before their brief reality we call earth. What is us is much older than this small planet, and most likely the galaxy itself.

A place for murder

I know we never felt the same
Talking about feelings can be so lame
These walls could use a brand new stain

Sweetie there's no need for tears
Let's talk about something else
How about when you said your gone
How about when I said its wrong
You just got to run away
I was left begging please god stay

You think your the one in pain
You think I'm the one to blame
Stop those tears and scream my name
I've never felt quite the same

Snow

Let's talk about winter darling, and the snow.
Let's talk about you and how you can't say no.
You don't how to please them, they couldn't know.
How you feel, your cold as snow.

Crossed by a butterfly

I'm James Goldberg, also known as Grimm in some places. I am the man crossed by a butterfly.

Many sides does my face lay upon. One of passion and love, the wish for peace and happiness. Another of interest and wisdom, the need for understanding. The side of Darkness... Where everything dark and looked down upon lies in wait. Do you wish to see me for only one side? Or to accept and join me on all levels of life. Welcome, I am the man crossed by a butterfly.

Descent

I come across many days I want to close my eyes and fall deep into my mind and heart. Somewhere I could find the knowledge and the reason to move foreword. If their are two sides to the coin, my external and internal motivation. My internal desires to be bright,  multi talented, healthy, strong, successful, enlightened and generous. My internal is motivated to seek out the things I need to absorb in order to achieve my goals. But my internal also senses the issues that are keeping me from my desires. My internal senses that I'm not retaining information I study or read. My internal is numb to the difference when I eat healthy or not so much. My internal is pained whichever direction I take so the most logical step is if in every direction is pain, to bide my time doing as little work as possible. The misaligned bones of my neck, my heart that gathers sharp pains coupled with my lungs when worked, my clicking popping hips always nagging at walking long distances, my shaping aching joints, my inability to urinate like a normal person. The feeling of being sliced open when going to the bathroom, the blood in my stool. My internal is beyond lost in what to do. I have never felt so mortal, or so useless and old.

My external sees a world filled with people doing exactly what I want. My external knows there is thousands to compete with to find my place in the achieved life I want. My external looks at the under educated, money hungry doctors and wonders if there is any help for my internal pain. My external sees the quality of the food and the black curtain between me and the place it comes from, the people who lie to make money while destroying peoples health.

Beauty

The beautiful light hidden behind the stone tower. Deep in the sky lies the brightest star the universe has to offer. Deep inside my soul a bridge is being built to the ever expanding entity that collectively is us all. A bridge into a higher state of being, into beauty untold, into light unseen. A connection always present but never realized but in the most distant experiences far outside of reality. A place our souls go to high above ourselves but never leaving the location of our death. I will meet you there, in the silence behind the light where I will hear your every word because every word you can speak has already been spoken and I have understood all which you mean to say. You will see me and will understand that we are one in the same despite our duality that makes us more than one. Behind, deeper, searching for the line that finally breaks between logic and reality in this place between words and the essence of what is and will always be. Understanding there is nothing to understand, we are which we are. I look directly into countless eyes as they stare back into mine. They are the knowledge of countless lives, the tiny remnants of lives past. Combined they are the experience which is all of life. There isn't an emotion that hasn't been felt, or a situation that hasn't been seen by these eyes. These are the eyes of life. When I was born I was handed a pair from the great community of eyes, when I die I will give them back but they were never actually away from their home. All our eyes are part of a greater pool of collective intelligence. We will return to the higher state and come back to here time and time again, growing. Somewhere in time the universe wanted to experience, wanted to feel and live inside itself, discover itself as we all wish to do. This is life. We are all trying to understand what we are. From the largest parts of reality to the smallest we all have the same agenda. We all seek to understand, we all seek knowledge. The question is why is there no answer, when did the answer become lost and cause a downward spiral that lead to the desire for experience. Where the natural born knowledge go? What caused the age of ignorance that is older than our own solar system, older than our galaxy. It is the separation of our universe, we are all drifting slowly apart. This is our duality, as before we were all part of one, we were all in one place, and one time. Countless parts of a greater whole held tightly together by forces we don't understand. The same forces that now are trying to piece us back together, forces that bring us to seek knowledge and become part of a greater whole long after its separation. Our galaxies, planets, land masses, civilizations, minds and hearts are all slowly drifting apart till this very moment since the great divide. Was this will? Did the universe have the will to forgo infinite internal knowledge of all to in exchange grow, reach and experience greater farther things from the singular point of existence? So when was the age of ignorance truly? When the mind which is everything was closed into a tight space, being that space only existed inside this space and all else was nothing. In this space everything that was, was here. There was only this to know and nothing else was to be known for it did not exist. But is this true? When all that is in this universe was one was there really nothing outside its limits? What is outside the limits of our universe as it stands. Surely it encompass a greater distance now that it did before, being far less dense and spread in all directions in un-measurable distance. But what is outside that? There must be more than just nothing. Maybe as one we realized there was more than what was our own existence and sought to learn of it, become part of it. To become part of an even greater whole than what was our own ball of existence that we believed nothing outside to exist, for inside these walls of our reality was all there was to know.

Is the universe, or for short, one or all much like man? As we sit on our little planet in a state of ignorance we slowly grow and reach farther adn farther out, learning more and more. But what drives us to this? At the time this all was one, as it still is but when it was locked inside a very definite space was much like man before man descovered the rest of the cosmos? We once thought all there was to know what the earth the sun and the stars but year after year we understand more and more, see more and more, understand more and more. We have the desire and will to understand we are part of a greater all, or oneness. Did the universe feel this very same desire, to expand and become part of the greater oneness when it realized there was more to know and understand than what was within itself?

Reflection.

These things, all laid out infront of me. Money spent and time wasted. As I replace myself with outside items. These things have not made me happier. They have not made me smarter, they have not made me healtheir, they have not made me stronger. I made a painful and foolish dicision that was not based on wisdom, it was not based in my own heart. I made a choice based on someone elses heart, what their eyes saw and what they felt. Their eyes do not see my world, their mind does not know my thoughts, their heart does not feel mine. My choices were poor and without thought of result. My heart was quite, as my mind made it so. My eyes were shut as my heart made it so. My mind was quiet, as I made it so. There is a thick line that is my person, like a sphere with a broad border. My eyes are like windows into my being. As my essense was silenced and my person and my meaninging was replaced by exterior motives, objects, ect. The inner being began to shrink, to where my sphere was inhabited by more than my being, my sphere was breathing in lies of what my inner being was. A part of me made the decision to replace the inner being with a new one, one that was artifical and more effective in the place where my sphere was present. That choice was effectice for the time and the place but was a poor choice. A painful self harming choice. A choice of pain over lesser pain. A choice made in fear and uncertainty. There was no good reason, not one that with stronger willpower I could have overcome. My inner being was cast aside and abused from that very lack of willpower. There is only one place to find the strength, to find the willpower, to find my heart, to find my eyes, to find my mind. All within my inner being, deep inside my sphere. Somewhere inside me lies the strength, lies the being I want to fufill it's right to life again. I am sending out the signal to let it know that it is loved, it is wanted, and it is beautiful. My actions and choices before said the exact opposite that it was unwanted, not needed, stupid and without reason that this person, this inner being was a bother and was holding my life back... This choice was influanced untill it was believed, and it could never be more wrong. Now this sphere is more like a husk, remembering a time when it was full and natrual, full with mystery and variety. A place where I was alive and flourished. The time for that being is now, as it has always been. The time for that being was never over, it was taken away wrongfully. Like a mother calling to her child to come home, to come to saftey, to come to love. I open myself to let all the wrong bleed out, for the pain and the damedge to wash away as my true inner being fills with self importance, as it fills with self love, and fills with pride, value, volition. This is his rightful throne, he is king in this land, his rule is absolute and beautiful. In time he will retake everything that belongs to him.

Thank you.

Speak with self

When speaking to yourself, who are you speaking to? Where do the words come from?
If the words come from the mind, and are infulanced by the heart, but also by sinsations from the gut.
The words are means of communication, but who are you communicating with?
The words ring out and are listened to.
The self is speaking to itself, asking itself questions and feeling for the answeres rather than replying with more words.
Why.
The self learnes itself by speaking to itself. Like looking in a mirror to better understand itself.
The self becomes two for a time or maybe longer, so that words can find place. When divided into two parts that are still one whole the self has become more than it was before. The self had grown much likes cells dividing and growing as a baby grows.
The self discoveres itself and learns itself, the self grows itself by learning itself by speaking with its self.

Take time to silence, and speak with the self. It will cause you to grow from the inside and fill your body with your soul. As the soul fills the body it will grow beyond those limits, and as the soul becomes larger and srtonger the willpower found from within will also grow. The soul gains strength much like the muscles beneath the skin.

Motion

I rest in pleasurable state, very so tiny the sensation as it moves to consume my whole being. The very faint vibration deep inside my soul, physical yet touching into something both higher and lower than where I am. My cells, my molecular structure, the very atoms made of light, made of energy collaborated from the remnants of long dead stars but yet very much alive inside of me. The world around me, the social aspect of life seems unimaginably small in comparison to the raw materials my body, after trillions of micro transitions from one state to another falls into place and I get to experiance life as just another transition of the trillions of bits of matter I am. Deep inside me I feel it swirl like the center of our galaxy with energy and materials all following behind in long trails trying to keep up with the rate of my sensation. In this feeling there is a motion, behind my thoughts there is a motion. For the moment to happen and for me to express the sensations inside my body there must be motion, a cause and effect that set me in this temporary existence. I as I am a collection of things, brought together for only a short time was the effect of a cause. Our entire race and every living thing before it is an effect of a cause, no matter how natural or artificial their conception. There is a reason living things exist in a reality where the vast majority of what does exist is lifeless. Lifeless in the sense of organic organisms with language and sensory nervous systems. But what if there are much lower standards to define life. What if things we thought to be still and lifeless before could be looked at as very much alive when perceived differently.

Shake

I'm just holding on, everything before my eyes shakes like I'm slipping away and its all so hard to see. I can fall no further though. This is as far as my arms will let me slide, this is the least of my strength. The least of my ability. This is my rock bottom, in this place I am only just above being asleep. I can look all around and see the world and my life and all the possibility if I were not where I am. But I am here, but that idea will soon be gone because just as this place is in my mind so are other places I will reach to. But I will not reach to them, I will simply become them slowly. I will change my mind, I will do different, what exactly I can't say. I don't know the path, or how to find the path but I know how to imagine and I hope, pray. That my reality will follow the one I set before myself in my mind. As I think different I will become different and move through infinite places, much farther than I could have for seen. Things will get better, I promise you. Just have hope and always love, and move forward. You control everything, you place the pieces and move the mountains.

Fly with me

There he was, just in the other side of a wall of glass in a world that mirrored my own. Our hands touched each other's only seperayed by the glass that divided our worlds. I had waited so long just to see him again, the thing I once was. Everything I wished I was again. A man truley full of worth and knowledge. He and I were once one but something happened and I fell so far but the time had come that he would show himself to me once again, standing right before me. He spoke no words only smiled a beautiful hope filled smile full of content and joy, and wisedom. Like he seen my whole life from beginning to end and was looking down at me like a child fretting over the trivial when there was so many wonderful and great things ahead I had no idea of. He looked straight through my soul. He knew me, every part of me and understood it all. Without words he called out to the deepest part of myself, something I pushed deep down and into the dark. He shined a light on that dark place with invitation to face the world outside with vivid brilliance. He gave me this feeling he would show my heart the way. Just as I felt this he slowly left the ground, out hands slowly parted and he raised to the sky. My heart sunk, I was slow close and I heard his voice, my own voice telling me what I already knew. Follow me, its easy. You may feel at first like there is an entire world tied around your legs binding you to the ground, but all you have to do is let go and as you let go you will get just a little higher and ever higher you will go as you simply let go of what binds you. Then I will meet you there high in the stars, there I will be waiting for you to join me because this is where I wait for you and I know we will be together again because you are I and I am you. I know how this ends, but this is far from the end, just another step you must take in your story. I'll be waiting. And with those words my feet slightly parted with the earth. Just about an inch. Only enough to feel a slight sensation of weightlessness before quickly rising from my bed waking up to see the orange sky outside my window. My dream filled me with hope and vigor.

I try.

There is never a day that you are better than me. Day in and day out I make a decision, a choice to be "nice" but in no way by nature am I kind to you under my surface, I am kind to very few and after years of kindness you will always recivce bitterness from me. No matter who you are, or what you are to me you will never be what I expect you to be to me. I am flawed, I am dense and block out certain points. I am a being of many layers, deep inside to the surface are different people all together. Some strive to become more enlightned, to let go of everything and feel love, be kind to all despite all flaws, some parts are entangled with the heart and thrive on emotions. Emotions like hate, love, sex, happiness, depression. These things drive my semi-inner layers. These things block and cloud the person I wish to forge myself into. Time after time, I select knew people to be before the last one can be finished, a pile of half completed versions of the self lying neatly one ontop of the next. The identity becomes nothing more that a blurry image that is ever changing.

I try, these one version does try. I strive and ache for a better being. a beind that is held back but these broken selves. They call me slow, stupid, without drive, purpose or direction. Some of these things I call myself, some of these things I know. I am not what anyone thinks of me.

I am behind, years behind even. Racing against time to catch up with my self who is enjoying a life I don't yet have. A man years ago that I once was had everything figured out, knew exactly how to obtain a life he knew he wanted. I fell behind, I seen the path and choose to turn away and take another path. The path had a dead end, and I seen no right way but the one I abandoned. So I chase after that light, the light that grows ever dim. I know this light will extinguish before I reach it. I know I must find new light, I must strive to create a life I never knew of, One I could have never imagined. No perfect world is the one first imagined, the first attempt is always without refinement. I have matured, I understand more and while I lack the simplicity of innocence and ignorance that would give me the simple noble answers I have the ability now to make a world that is more diverse to my needs.

Ghost

Each and everyday I record myself, a artificial memory of my person. Inside my phone, in my computer, in everything I write say or do. Every task I need a reminder for, every thought I jot down, every shopping list I write. These things will never go away and they will be there long after I am gone. These things exist in a state where they can be deleted and whipped away at a single will but no one person will search out every trace me once I'm gone. Just like family and friends who have passed away. Their faces are just a few words and a key press away, their words loop indefinitely in recordings left in mundane simplicity. 

You are my ghost, as I will be. 

Tug o War

Sometimes I'm not quite sure what to feel about my relationships with other people. There is definitely fear when I think about such things. My heart is filled with worry that when I shine a light on the things I could do without questioning that something in the darkness will reer its ugly face and I'll do nothing but wish I never shined my light in its direction. But is living in ignorance to the monsters in the shadows living at all? I've been taught to expose those monsters for what they are, face them head on and there will be nothing to be afraid of and in the case of my relationships with people even more so.

But there is something different in these cases because these so called monsters will sometimes become your close friends when you show them the light. All of us need to have a light shined on us. All of us need someone to look inside of us and show us that we are interesting, that was are loved and valued. That we arn't just forgotten about. When we are left in the dark for so long, when know one seeks what's deep down inside us thats when we ourselves become the little monsters in the shadows.

I understand these things but I am still afraid, not of the monster but that it is only sometimes that they become your friends. I avoid shining the light on some monsters because I know they are not yet ready for the light and that if I shine it on them too soon, they might just run away. But I love my monsters, they are always inside my heart and I care for them. I always want them near to me but there is a void between us that can't be removed until they are ready.

One of my dearest I fear is in the shadows, as are parts of me. I have shined that light on her before, but I don't think she seen in. There was no change, there was so response. It's like there was no light to begin with. But something did change. A distance grew and as time went by a silence also grew. Was she afraid of that light? Did she just respond differently from the others? In sted of running away, staying in place but burying herself deeper into the shadows so that my light can not reach her again?

I did not mean to offend, I did not mean to scare. I only wish to see you, to see your heart and your soul because I know it is very beautiful and I light up inside when I see such things. Do not hide yourself because there is nothing for you to hide yourself from. I am not here to harm you, I'm here to respect you, love you, admire you and smile. My beautiful little monster, let your heart shine in the darkness.

An Update.

I'm writing this just to spill some junk that been pilling up behind the ears over the last 6 months or so.

So, some time back I kicked a small addiction I had after weighing it over in my head for a very long time. I felt like I never really made the decision to quit, but the time came that it was out of my hands long enough that I stopped caring about it. At that point in time I was set up with a decent job as a prep cook in a restaurant that a family friend got me into. I had been promoted from dishwasher just about a month before. I was coming fairly close if I hadn't already passed my one year mark with the company and felt I was rather valued there. Sometimes things were uneasy considering I didn't always make the best choices and there's no kitchen without its own level of stress from day to day.

I was very confident of myself in that position, not so much the prep cook job but dishwashing... I was certain I was the best they had at the time I was let go. Let go for reasons my manager didn't make very clear. It must have been more than one and something he didn't really feel he should state or share. Maybe he assumed I already knew why so he didn't need to explain, and if that was so then he would be right. I did know why I was let go, and it was for more than one reason. The raise I asked for, and received. The time at which I got it and how I asked at a time when I was their last trained dishwasher when everyone else had moved to other positions, quit, or were fired. At that time I knew what I was worth and I made the move to make sure I was paid for it. I was let go for taking to many days off that I wasn't due for, asking for more money when management was in a pinch and taking too many matters into my own hands. My head was getting to big for my position. I got way too comfortable.

The thing is I'm like that no matter where I go. I want to be myself wherever I am and if I like a place and feel respected I want to grow without restraint but in most jobs you have a place and you will remain in that place with that level of respect until you take another step which is given to you by someone else. I don't want to live in an environment like that. I want my growth to be endless and under my own control. But that leads to another problem in itself, motivation and skill.

Fast forward about 4 months I would guess. I don't keep track of time very well at all. I feel like I would break down if I really knew how much time passes between these mistakes of mine and how long it takes me to make any real progress so I choose to live in a suspended animation where I have no concept of time.

I'm working at a fast food chain making almost nothing, again loosing a level of confidence in myself. Along this road almost a year ago I had the idea that I wanted to make a career in fitness after living with a family who friends of my own family. A man there pointed out the direction for me to loose weight and become more attractive. And it honestly worked out very well. I changed more about myself than I would have hoped for in that year I lived with them which came to a very dark ending at my own fault entirely. (Seeing a pattern here?)

I started out at eighteen years old, weighting around 240lbs. After about 6 months living there I dropped down to around 190 and my lowest was around 185. I was looking good and feeling amazing, feeling strong and full of confidence that I could do just about anything that I set out to do. I just had to make that choice. At that time I was stuck because I had little to no money almost all the time. I hardly paid my rent which I should have been fully capable of doing. I held little jobs here and there but they really sucked. Getting up and ready at 4:30 in the morning to work at a hardees was really dragging me down. I was still fit and maintaining it but my money flew out the window with my little addiction.

Things were getting tense between me and the home owners. I wasn't paying my dues or doing much of anything else to held them out. I caused more problems then I was helping to fix. Eventually I really screwed up as another habit of mine got me into a lot of trouble. I went from being in control of my life and being able to do anything to being in a state where my life was completely in someones else hands. I was at the mercy of the very family I wanted nothing to do with for an entire year.

When I left my fathers to live with this other family it was my chance to finally get away from all the drama. Life wasn't bad at all just very heavy with all the tensing and fighting between one another. I didn't know then that's every family but I didn't want to be around it. My mother had recently passed away and everyone from both sides of the family were always accusing each other of being worse than the other. I never heard the end of who did what to who and who lied, ect. It was worse than when the elections come around and all you here is attack commercials on the other candidate. And that's exactly what it was. My family was fighting for me to believe one side or the other, but why? Why did it matter to my mom's side so much that I believed my father did all these terrible things? My did my father care so much to convince me my mothers side did basically the same?

I still don't know but the fact was I wanted out of the middle of it all. I was tired of this world that has held up by my mother crashing down onto my head. I wanted to get out from under the weight and that's what I did. Not really by choice, I was being told to move out by my father. But I don't take any offence to that, I was eighteen. But I ended up right back in the middle of it a year later when I was in serious trouble with the law for the first time in my life.

It was different now because there was this level of diplomacy from both sides of the family now. While I was in this very weak down state where I felt like I was worth nothing, just another delinquent who couldn't handle life there was this sort of cease fire on both sides. My father wasn't nearly as harsh as in the past and helped me out of my situation. My grandparents from my mothers side offered me a place to live. My grandparents are very religious and would never let up on trying to make me part of it. I understand why, their teachings tell them if they don't I'm damned forever but they don't see reality the way I do.

Out of all this my biggest mistake was just leaving my new home so suddenly after I made a mistake. Part of me blamed them for the state I put myself into, I demonized them for what I had become and used my grandparents as a refuge from myself. But I didn't leave that part of myself at the door when I left. It's with me always. I burned a bridge to escape myself that was completely futile.

Now I live with my grandparents, lacking nearly all the confidence I had, the motivation was never really that great to begin with. I've always lacked the willpower despite being full of desire. I loved Paul Chek's break down of the word Love. How L stood for the desire, the O stood for absolute and the VE was willpower. I feel a lot of truth from this example and it showed me that I am out of balance with my desire and my willpower. My desire leads me in a million directions all the time but my willpower is so lacking I never move from one point to the next. I'm drifting through this river without much control, wishing I could change my course, knowing its fully possible but lacking the real power from inside to do so. I've gained nearly all the weight back, my body is a wreck of imbalances and pain that I can't explain. I'm still set on a career in fitness starting with a personal training certification through NASM. Ideally expanding from the income to dietitian and other holistic health practices funded by expanding my own knowledge. As I said before my desire is great but my willpower is very lacking. In the beginning I wanted to study for chiropractic but realized it was out of reach, so I aimed for lower on the ladder and decided that through a this ladder I could fund myself to climb higher and gain more insight and knowledge with more and more certifications in more things. But I have not even achieved the first goal, I am far from it and growing farther from it each day it seems.

I'm searching, as I have been for what seems like years, to find control over myself to do the things I want to do. To put myself in the places I desire to be. To become the person I desire to become. I still have no found it, I have tried many times but I fall off the wagon again and again. This spirit is weak and without drive.