Awake

In the years before I was a man I had a deep chained to the Earth connection to certainty in the structure, origin, and real truth but not in words or declarative knowledge. Just an emotion of safety and certainty in what i think and feel is the truth. I had no questions about it yet I was always curious. Was this a strength or a thankful state of ignorant bliss. Was the state, not needing words to describe what truth is a connection to truth like the umbilical cord to the baby and after the time comes the cord is severed and the child has to pull is truth and blessings from the ground, the world, and the people around him. He eats of the Earth so his body is maintained and grows while before he received his nutrients from mother while he remained asleep. So we in mind and in heart disconnect from mother and turn to take what we once received while we sleep from the waking world. 

How It's Going To Be

Look around and you find me
With a book in hand for the world to see
Behind the tree with you right beside me
I know this ain't right but I cant find the might to see that light
Wrapped up like this again
Don't know if I can keep a friend
I know this isn't the time for you and me
But you have to see
Has to be
Another catastrophe
Running at me
Thousand miles an hour straight at me
My minds gone apathy
What's this supposed to be
Joyous, happy, merry?
I don't know if I can find what's mine in this brief time you've handed me
Crunch time
When you close mine
Take it away
What am i supposed to say
Another reject or retard
You say run but how far
I cant take this another day
There just has to be another way
When the fuck are you going to see
This ain't a game to me
When you going to quit playing me
I can turn this shit around
But you never make a fucking sound
Oh no not this again
cant you see that I need a friend
In this time of need cant you hear my plea
Right here beside me like its supposed to be
just like you promised me
just like how we'd be free
But here we are once again and I cant even call you a friend.
Responses, monotonous, irrational nonsense.

Sun Between Us

Youve thrown away so much
But not enough
Not enough for me
Were you wrong about me
What you thought you could tell me
What you thought I could handle
Was it really that wrong
I dont know what its like to be you
I dont know if I would be different if I was you
Maybe I would say the same things
Maybe I would do the same things
So how can I judge you
But youve come this far
Youve done all these things
Youve thrown away so much
And it was to be with me?
Are you inlove or are you reckless
Is this destiny or is this an escape
Is this the happiness you are looking for
Or is this a patch on your scars
They may seem the same
But are you running to me?
Or just running away
Is it because of me or would someone else been good too
Long as they loved you
Would you run to anyone who loved you?
Or do you run here because you love me too
Maybe the way you love me is different than what Ive known
I dont fully grasp it
I cant deny it
I cant look at you and say you dont
I cant doubt you like that
But because you love me, doesnt mean you dont hurt me
Ive hurt you too
Is this toxic love of a beautiful struggle.
This doesnt seem like a romantic story anymore
This seems like a tragedy between two people
Broken by the past and scared of the future
People who dont make good choices
They are honest, they follow their hearts
But those hearts have been broken
They dont know what they are doing
I dont know what I want
But what Im doing now isnt right
I wonder how often you think the same thing
I know you have, but that thought was long ago
When did we fall inlove
When, through my walks in the woods with my phone in had
Talking to an old friend
About the heart, always about the heart
We seen eachothers
What light did we see that we would cast away
What light convinced us that our love would overcome all our wrongs
Is the passion still there
Does a fire still burn
Does that light still shine
I dont know
But I cant let go and I cant forget
I cant ignore, im a part of this, im what pulled you
And you are what pulled me
Magnets.. more like planets, with a sun between us.
How close can we come
Or would we be burned alive.
Always feeling the pull
But it is not clean
My stomach still turns, I fear the embrace
Held at a distance rather than held in open arms
But is this just me, my conditioning
My joy being your trauma
Mistakes in communication
I want you here
Not your body, not your mind
Just your heart and your voice
Leave the world behind you
Let me see you like I seen you before
Let me see the that light
My emerald jade talisman.
Symbol of trust and bond, warm, welcoming, understanding, hearing, seeing.
Ive felt moments where we crossed lines between you and I
Where I cant tell if my thoughts are my own
Us as one, so hard to avoid when your so much the same.

Far Above

And what have I become
Another one in line with nothing to say and nothing to feel.
Asking a million questions, I'm running in circles.
This person that I am, the one who I'm not.
I thought I knew but that was before I lost track.
Somewhere in the years the I was all wrapped up I lost myself.
One thousand feet off the ground feeling like the sun is pushing me to the ground.
I want to fly but what carries me drives me into the ground.
This passion is confused, lead into darkness with the lantern carried by a quiet and absent heart.
Dragging heavy feet behind me I make my choices.
Do what's right or what let's me sleep at night and not always the same.
Sometimes I cry and I always tell the ones who I think care so they know I know how to feel still.
With this life you think I would be long gone, dead inside or given up.

I latch on, running, screaming.
Away from myself, away from the noise.
Never can I come back down, where I wish I was.
I'm not strong enough to stand on my own two feet so I fly.
What do I do, what do I do.
The silence, the time.
Sounds like an answer but ends up being a sentence.
I write it out because I want you to see it.
I want to know I'm real so tell me you see me because I forget I'm here.
Just like I was taught.
Hide that heart, silence that voice.
Those words don't want to be heard.
Do not disturb.

I've been afraid for too long to shake the supports of the world.
I didn't know if I could handle when it fell.
Pointing to you, thinking you would never be ready.
Inside I know I'm not ready to see this fall because it wouldn't be into my hands.
In my hands, filled with pain and anguish.
Not the love I wished would fall there.

But how far do you want me to come?
How many doors I'm not ready to open must I face?
How much do I have to swallow?
How much do I have to accept?
I can't be another one when you are the one.
You can't be the one when I have to wonder.
I can't question myself everyday...
Feeling guilty for feeling.
Knowing how I want to grow, knowing who I want to be.
Open to everything and everyone.
When I find myself there I want to be surrounded with love and safety.
But does it ever end up that way?
Pushing, expecting.
This is my heart, this is my all.
The root of my whole, where all I am begins from what I feel.
This is not.
Not the space, not the time.
Not like this, not with so much pain.
So much suppressed, so many lies.
Sometimes not lies but words unsaid, things not known.
A soul with mine fluid and together, clear, connected.
The light inside shines and shows all corners of each others deep corners and shadows.
Being fully exposed before gods eyes, the eyes that peer into me and all my shadows.
Seeking.
Liberation.
When all my secrets are told maybe I can let go of the past and live with you right now, in every second.
You my love, you myself.
When I traveled I looked at the time, a time for a wish and this was mine.
In this life or another... together, found.