Make me bleed with your words.

Adorn me in black robes with a hood to hide me away. Embraced by the darkness I wish to be. Drawn away into a world that is my own. A world where my dreams are reality and existence bends to my thoughts. I want to visit and live within the worlds of my world. I want to see the places within my mind, I want to feel their presence and pull them into a world without luster. I want to fill a void placed by my own sight. Before there was an I there was no void. I looked upon the world and the void came into existence. Theres only one thing to fill that void and that is what's within me. Draw me away into a place where I can work, where I can channel the things within myself to illustrate for the world what it never knew it was living without. Am I a fool to think what's within me is so powerful? Am I insane to believe peoples lives would be different and fuller with my work swirling inside their minds? I most likely am and that is why I want it to exist, like a massive social experiment I want to be inside their minds and their hearts. I want to effect them in ways unknown to me. I want to be part of them, inside and out. I want to be remember long after I am dead. Not by my name but by my creation. I want it's likeness to live on in stories for generations. I want to be criticized and scrutinized till I am heard of no more. I am crazy, I am cocky, I am the author.

Ambition

There are many things that I wish for in life, but I don't know if I understand yet why it is so hard to make these wishes come true. I understand the means, what needs to be done. Everything basically, besides why it is hard. What is hard... When someone says a task is hard, what does it really mean? Nothing is hard in the mind of a man with ambition but what is ambition besides soul desire? How can one have desire without a life full of reasons to fuel that desire? A man works to feed his family, a great example but many of us are left without reasons to chase great things. We are well trained in running away from the things that threaten our perfect lives. But we know nothing of running to the things to make the lives perfect for our next generation. I want that ambition, I want those reasons. I want to run into the light, dumb and without fear. I need power, I lust for it and I would do anything to find it within myself the chase after the light in the sky. So high and out of reach but so close to my fingers I can feel it burning my skin. But what is the light? What is it inside that mysterious orb that I need, that I lust for. Why do I want it, what drives me to it? For what reason should I move from this very spot to acquire it besides raw curiosity. it isn't enough. What is enough? I need reasons.

The Heaven & Hell Realization

The last few months I've been taking in the words of a man named Jordan David who is a very energetic and pure being. I see this man surrounded by nothing but heaven like energy. I envy his state at times, though that is not me. Dispite I do share something with the man. He speaks of sending 'Love' into all that is around us, thanking the world for being alive.

I experimented with it some, even gave it some of my own flavor. I began setting crystals on my window seils and taking one with me on days I knew I would have choices to make. A very small difference did come but it was only when I was activally a part of my own experiment. I would wake up and look about the room, feeling out the whole areas pressance and thank it. Thank it for being here with me, for enduring my negative days and the emotions I spew around it. The items I have that are broken or damaged from my fault I apoplogized and thanks. I would thank my meals and my car. I tried to always have an open mind about the world around me. The most important part of it all was keeping this flow grid idea about everything. Almost like a theory of reletivity this tied together spirituality and the physical world. Everything started making scence and had it's own pattern. It made me think back to each lesson I have earned and how I was told not to forget that not every formula works for every scneario. This wasn't the case. It is like finding a drawing in an acient cave, taking that drawing and over laying it over a map of your city and all the points on the drawing corrispond with places you love. 

This is a science about feeling. This is not the kind of science where everything works in a pretty straight line. It's exactly the opposite. It works in circles, squares and triangles.  Think of it like the idea or karma, or even God. Everything on this world that happens does not go unnoticed. I am not speak of an over seeing being that watches all things, though I'm not shooting it down either. All is possible. What I am speaking of is how the little choices you make always come back to you in some way, not matter how small. Nothing stays buried forever. Now think of karma as something between a wave on the surface of water and a sound wave. Draw a line straight through the middle. That line is the 0 point between what I call the Heaven and Hell realization. As we generate good emotions inside ourselves, spread them out around us like rays from the sun, charging our planet we charge the world around us. Even objects we believe have no soul do react to good emotions. I think of it like warm and cold, but this is something that sits between our understanding of the physiological and physical world. I believe this is the missing link between the two.

When we have good emotions of love, strength, happiness, serenity and so on our wave grows higher above our line and sinks down below the line when we experience bad emotions of despair, hate, jealousy and so on. We experience long down times and short up times or vise versa so its obvious that you won't have a day or sad and a day of happy and at the end of your life it will end up balancing out. Thats where the trouble comes in, because it doesn't. It is up to you and your good emotions to help balance your life. Now this doesn't mean go rushing out your door and start walking old ladies across the street and reporting a nickle on the sidewalk to the police. That's a little extreme, and you want balance. Even though the areas above our line are good emotions and they 'feel' good they arn't always what you expect. Look deeper into 'good' feelings and separate them from genuine feelings of balance and peace. You start to notice a lot of 'good' feelings come from things that have something bad laying beneath that without proper attention and moderatiy could become a 'bad' feeling. Two reasons I bring this up, the first is it shows there is some substance behind the flow and balance in life when it comes to that 'force' the other is that this shows some reletivity to history. Ever wonder why in so many different religions things you and I consider normal or banned or outlawed in their beliefs because they are believed to cause harm? Maybe they were onto something but ended up pushing it too strictly.

The other thing I wanted to cover is Karma. Karam, as I believe it to be is a mysterious force that balances our peoples actions twords eachother. In other words you don't hold the door open for someone chances are you won't find a dollar bill sitting on the sidewalk when you come out. Most people think of things like this as just everyday occurrences. Which is totally right, same as rain or wind. But they all work in some pattern or formula, even if we have no grasp of it. If it exists it follows some kind of order. Remember there is order in chaos. This works in unison with the wave I described earlier. You'r emotions and karma come together in this.

Finally why I call this the Heaven and Hell realization. It comes from a small theory I heard in the last few months that caught my ear and I had to toy around with for a while. Now all graphs have a beggining and an end. The beginning of the graph we imagined earlier would be your birth, I would assume. Though it might be possible where your mother and fathers line sits might have an effect on where yours is when you are born. The end, is your death. This is the giant mystery no one on earth has yet to explain (And have everyone on earth believe them). Now think about sleeping. When you are asleep, you dream. Your dreams are made 100% by you even though they are massively influenced by things you bring into your mind from around you when you are awake. Stop right there and think about that "Things you bring into your mind from around you." What does that mean? You'r bed? You'r cat? Well no because things in your dreams arn't physical, or are they? That I can't say anything on though I have heard theories about your dreams really being metaphysical planes where your brain is literally counjoring your dreams into relaity above your head in a frequency only the brain can pick up on. If your asking why can't we sense it, well we can. When were asleep. What I really want you to think about is that your dream is the isolated world of your being. Dosen't matter what you believe it's straight fact. In your dreams you experience a reality that is not physical. My statment is that when you die the physical ends, but you continue. You either go to heaven or hell, or maybe you died at balance. Heaven is a mental state, like a dream created by you. Heaven is just a name I have read before, I use it to relay the idea. Imagine being dead, don't stop at just death. You are disconnected from your physical body, all that is you now is your emotions, not your mind thats still with your body. You now create a reality. That reality will depend on how you feel, now remember how much power the word feel now has. It's more than just a passing emotion. It's a series of things throughout your whole life that has formed your personality and at death you reflect it all outword. I feel no man is doomed to his actions. It's how he handled them and felt about them. 

Is Pain Physical?

With all life there will be death. With love there will be suffering. Both are infinite but do either cause any effect on the physical world around us? What are we and all living things in face of the very still molecules that is our rock, Earth. When we love does it build some unforeseen by product of emotion that has effects on the world outside our consciousness? Is love somewhat like a radiowave or radiation, unseen by slowly changes the properties of the surrounding with prolonged exsposure? Or does it effect anything, I know of nothing that effects nothing. Its the very same with suffering of any kind. Even minor displeasure to some can be felt as pure suffering. The means of which caused it never seem to be important to the effect which is always the same. Do walls remember the pain held between them? Does a knife carry the blood of its victim forever? Does it take the memory of death and violence with it as it is broken down into new elements through corrosion and becomes the very soil that would one day sprout trees with fruits that could be eaten by man? Suffering is everywhere, constantly. It has been that way long before love, since the beginning of life. Since the very first time a living thing arose with the nervous system and mental capacity to experience pain there has been suffering.

Something a friend said

A good friend once told me there can never be too much good in the world it will always be out of balance with him out of darkness that fills the very corner at the light cannot reach. Then I began to think how true this was. The darkness must always a light in vast amount in order to survive. We people are like fire we are like light we are consumers we require the darkness. Just as a fire burns through a forest eventually they will rock the fire will run out of fuel. Just like people on earth if we had too many people they would burn through every single resource on the planet until the entire human race when texting. As stars burn brightly in the sky they burn away the hydrogen all surrounding them until they implode from the lack of fuel. Darkness but always outweigh the light otherwise the light bulb burned out and extinguished itself. Then there would be no life and everything would be darkness. But what makes it began what originally sets the molecule in motion that creates the fire that creates the star that harnesses the gravity to pull the follicles together to create the planet on which the human lives. Who sets the Kindle for spark of life. Are we in some way related to the fire to the electricity and basically every single force of nature that is in motion and does not remain eternally still until forced on buy some other motion. Are we now have an ironic mock of the very forces of nature around us.

I Want Power

Coat it in blue so I may see right through to a world I never knew could be so cold and true.

Everything gets lost somewhere between the thoughts and reality. Words and ideas run away into darkness before use can be made of the small sparks that alight from left to right. This mind is weak and the memory wounded. Like a civilization without a single record the life rolls on without ever recalling a day before. As though each passing moment held no meaning for the next. Each day is birth and each night is death. Dreams are the echoes of days past.

The echo of a whisper inside rebounds, teasing this ever hungry desire for passion and creation. The sweet taste of pride in God's power resting in man's hand.

An old point of view

I have began to hide myself behind a wall of depression. My worries and things I think of and should worry me but don't have come crashing down on me. There's something wrong. Each time I open my mouth to express to another what's happening inside my heart and in my head the words shut off. The brain goes backwards and tells me not to say that, that its stupid and pointless to talk about these things. But if I don't let them out, change things and get help I don't know what will happen. There's something wrong with my mind. It's only half thinking. I'll have a thought about a detail then I will try to link it to something I remember then nothing comes up and the original thought goes blank and blurry. It's almost like on a computer if it has to many registry errors and they build up in the cache over time the computer will slow down. It's like my memories are broken links on a website.  I hate being this person all the time. My emotions swinging back and forth, happy one minute then something that doesn't even matter happens then I'm ready to kill a man. I'm constantly looking for little escapes into my own mind to get away from my life so I can forget about myself.

Realise

You taught me what you did not mean to teach. I grew because of you, though you did not intend to nurture. Your eyes were closed that because of you, I became exposed. You remind me, of the life I tried so hard to find. My love, words I havnt used since before this life. Words I have given to you for my new life. The one which you saved. Your presence have held up more world. My foundation, my support in a world so fragile and ready to crumble.
   I don't see you, I feel you. I do not hold you by my side but I hold you within me. You are my living ghost and my beating heart. Your presence follows me like a phantom even when you are not near. The way you smell, the way you feel. I sense you in the things around me. I recognize them and they remind me of you.