I miss the heart I left behind with you.

Stories

Why do I tell your story over and over again?
A sweet addiction to the past.
I remember I door I once seen, so large and mysterious. Carved of stone and hidden in a cave. I curled up and slept at it's feet. I was drawn to what I couldn't enter. This secret place only I knew of despite how I wished I would be found. Not by anyone but the one. The lines between dreams and life fade and the door opened to only light. How empty fulfillment felt was the only feeling I was left with, and a teeming to return to the days when I felt young and curious next to my beloved mystery.

There are dozens of times I felt this need to return to what felt good and made me feel held by my life. Not thrown from the nest with wind and uncertainty beneath my feet with a quiver in my lungs and heart that hold me away from such deep sleep. Even when we hurt each other, no matter how small we always felt it. I hate to admit how I miss every bit, but I am so tired. I could never return.

If I die Today

I hesitate writing this

Theres no one reading anymore, no one to worry.
I'm going to say what I wanted to say to my best friend. But I didn't want him to worry about me, I don't know if I'm being real or if I'm feeding into something that passes. I don't know when to take myself seriously. I always looked at myself talking about suicide as some last ditch effort to bring in attention, but I don't want attention.

I've been thinking about it again.

It feels like years but my memory is bad so maybe it hasn't been that long. Or maybe I did and didn't take it seriously.

I don't know what to say besides I don't feel like moving on anymore. I feel sick like my body is dying. I don't feel like working on myself, my body, my spirit or my mind. I feel like they are all so far gone what's the point? I've smoked for so long now I don't know if my mind will ever fully come back to me and with how I live my life, always working low paying jobs that tare my body apart, always dating women who rip my heart apart. Always feeling alone. I just continue to smoke. My voice has changed. I can't use it like I could. Theres one thing I have lost that I don't think I can get back.

I had the scare I might have some sexual disease. A good blood test gave me some hope but when the symptoms got worse I just become more afraid and tried ignoring it and ever talking about it because how scared I am. Reading about how they can be wrong sometimes.. I'm too terrified to check again. Things don't work like they used to. They work, but just not like they did. I don't feel like I did. I feel disconnected from parts of my body. Like they arn't even there. Then theres the sharp stinging pain sometimes. Just more fear, more avoiding. Then the anger comes, how I can't change anything. Even if I could afford health insurance and whatever people I would need to pay to guide me to healing... would it even work? Theres no telling. Years spent internet searching shows me I'm a rare case.

My heart also feels like it's dying. I just don't care to move on things I once had some drive for. I feel like I am here.. but my heart just aches. I don't want to sleep because my neck will hurt from the deformation in my spine which is also getting worse. I lucid dream so sleep teases me with a better life. I dont want to sleep because tomorrow will come and I'll make another dollar I don't even want. I don't know what to do with it. My issues, my body keep me from enjoying anything I could put my money in.

My body aches too much to sit and read, or play video games. My mind is too burnt out to even remember what I read. My emotions are too numb to feel any drive or passion for my hobbies or things I read. My failing body parts make me feel like a worthless body of flesh. Like I have no potency. I just breath and all the life I could be carried on passes through me like a ship with sails made from fishing nets.

I just don't have anything left in me... I just want everything to stop moving because it's all dying more and more. I am dying more and more. Mentally I am dying. I remember less and less, I feel less and less, I do less and less, I am capable of less and less.

I have no answers. I am so alone. Help me.. I know there is no one.