If I die Today

I hesitate writing this

Theres no one reading anymore, no one to worry.
I'm going to say what I wanted to say to my best friend. But I didn't want him to worry about me, I don't know if I'm being real or if I'm feeding into something that passes. I don't know when to take myself seriously. I always looked at myself talking about suicide as some last ditch effort to bring in attention, but I don't want attention.

I've been thinking about it again.

It feels like years but my memory is bad so maybe it hasn't been that long. Or maybe I did and didn't take it seriously.

I don't know what to say besides I don't feel like moving on anymore. I feel sick like my body is dying. I don't feel like working on myself, my body, my spirit or my mind. I feel like they are all so far gone what's the point? I've smoked for so long now I don't know if my mind will ever fully come back to me and with how I live my life, always working low paying jobs that tare my body apart, always dating women who rip my heart apart. Always feeling alone. I just continue to smoke. My voice has changed. I can't use it like I could. Theres one thing I have lost that I don't think I can get back.

I had the scare I might have some sexual disease. A good blood test gave me some hope but when the symptoms got worse I just become more afraid and tried ignoring it and ever talking about it because how scared I am. Reading about how they can be wrong sometimes.. I'm too terrified to check again. Things don't work like they used to. They work, but just not like they did. I don't feel like I did. I feel disconnected from parts of my body. Like they arn't even there. Then theres the sharp stinging pain sometimes. Just more fear, more avoiding. Then the anger comes, how I can't change anything. Even if I could afford health insurance and whatever people I would need to pay to guide me to healing... would it even work? Theres no telling. Years spent internet searching shows me I'm a rare case.

My heart also feels like it's dying. I just don't care to move on things I once had some drive for. I feel like I am here.. but my heart just aches. I don't want to sleep because my neck will hurt from the deformation in my spine which is also getting worse. I lucid dream so sleep teases me with a better life. I dont want to sleep because tomorrow will come and I'll make another dollar I don't even want. I don't know what to do with it. My issues, my body keep me from enjoying anything I could put my money in.

My body aches too much to sit and read, or play video games. My mind is too burnt out to even remember what I read. My emotions are too numb to feel any drive or passion for my hobbies or things I read. My failing body parts make me feel like a worthless body of flesh. Like I have no potency. I just breath and all the life I could be carried on passes through me like a ship with sails made from fishing nets.

I just don't have anything left in me... I just want everything to stop moving because it's all dying more and more. I am dying more and more. Mentally I am dying. I remember less and less, I feel less and less, I do less and less, I am capable of less and less.

I have no answers. I am so alone. Help me.. I know there is no one.