I miss the heart I left behind with you.

Stories

Why do I tell your story over and over again?
A sweet addiction to the past.
I remember I door I once seen, so large and mysterious. Carved of stone and hidden in a cave. I curled up and slept at it's feet. I was drawn to what I couldn't enter. This secret place only I knew of despite how I wished I would be found. Not by anyone but the one. The lines between dreams and life fade and the door opened to only light. How empty fulfillment felt was the only feeling I was left with, and a teeming to return to the days when I felt young and curious next to my beloved mystery.

There are dozens of times I felt this need to return to what felt good and made me feel held by my life. Not thrown from the nest with wind and uncertainty beneath my feet with a quiver in my lungs and heart that hold me away from such deep sleep. Even when we hurt each other, no matter how small we always felt it. I hate to admit how I miss every bit, but I am so tired. I could never return.

If I die Today

I hesitate writing this

Theres no one reading anymore, no one to worry.
I'm going to say what I wanted to say to my best friend. But I didn't want him to worry about me, I don't know if I'm being real or if I'm feeding into something that passes. I don't know when to take myself seriously. I always looked at myself talking about suicide as some last ditch effort to bring in attention, but I don't want attention.

I've been thinking about it again.

It feels like years but my memory is bad so maybe it hasn't been that long. Or maybe I did and didn't take it seriously.

I don't know what to say besides I don't feel like moving on anymore. I feel sick like my body is dying. I don't feel like working on myself, my body, my spirit or my mind. I feel like they are all so far gone what's the point? I've smoked for so long now I don't know if my mind will ever fully come back to me and with how I live my life, always working low paying jobs that tare my body apart, always dating women who rip my heart apart. Always feeling alone. I just continue to smoke. My voice has changed. I can't use it like I could. Theres one thing I have lost that I don't think I can get back.

I had the scare I might have some sexual disease. A good blood test gave me some hope but when the symptoms got worse I just become more afraid and tried ignoring it and ever talking about it because how scared I am. Reading about how they can be wrong sometimes.. I'm too terrified to check again. Things don't work like they used to. They work, but just not like they did. I don't feel like I did. I feel disconnected from parts of my body. Like they arn't even there. Then theres the sharp stinging pain sometimes. Just more fear, more avoiding. Then the anger comes, how I can't change anything. Even if I could afford health insurance and whatever people I would need to pay to guide me to healing... would it even work? Theres no telling. Years spent internet searching shows me I'm a rare case.

My heart also feels like it's dying. I just don't care to move on things I once had some drive for. I feel like I am here.. but my heart just aches. I don't want to sleep because my neck will hurt from the deformation in my spine which is also getting worse. I lucid dream so sleep teases me with a better life. I dont want to sleep because tomorrow will come and I'll make another dollar I don't even want. I don't know what to do with it. My issues, my body keep me from enjoying anything I could put my money in.

My body aches too much to sit and read, or play video games. My mind is too burnt out to even remember what I read. My emotions are too numb to feel any drive or passion for my hobbies or things I read. My failing body parts make me feel like a worthless body of flesh. Like I have no potency. I just breath and all the life I could be carried on passes through me like a ship with sails made from fishing nets.

I just don't have anything left in me... I just want everything to stop moving because it's all dying more and more. I am dying more and more. Mentally I am dying. I remember less and less, I feel less and less, I do less and less, I am capable of less and less.

I have no answers. I am so alone. Help me.. I know there is no one.

Hello

I wanna meet you,
I wanna meet you

I wanna meet you,
I wanna meet you
I need to meet you
I wanna meet you
Across the sky
Across the sky, high
Forever together lost in time.

There never was, a place in time
Not like this, this ones mine
I know when I open up
It's going to shine

I wanna meet you,
I gatta meet you
I wanna meet you,
I gatta meet you
Live it up, don't let it die
Where we live, across the sky
I swear I won't let it die

But I was lost, and you were too
This broken ship had no room for two
Wounded hearts, failed at coming home.
This toxic air, keeps us from being whole.

I wanna heal you
I wanna heal you
I wanna heal you
I wanna heal you

And wont you heal me too

James

For years I have spoken to myself in silence. Once or twice there was a heart who wanted to see what I had to say. But like a man on the road, I would pass them by. I wanted to stay, I tried to stay but they would go their own way without a care about what I had to say. For a time they did, till they didnt. For years I have spoken, in silence alone. Because for years this is all that I have known. No matter what it is I was shown, I swore this is all I have known. For years, I spoke to myself. I always worried what I was making of myself. For so long I wanted someone to love this self. For years I sat in silence, crying tears without a home. I couldnt ever say I was really alone. I always found myself in a home. With many others,many brothers. Maybe a family, but never happily. For years alone, I spoke into a phone. Never knowing when home would feel like home. Its all Ive ever known, speaking all alone. For years I imagine this my tome. Left behind, by a soul that was never known. I wish I knew, how to have a heart. I wish I knew so I would never feel so far apart. I wanted a touch, but I could never reach. Every sensation, the furthest destination. Illusive. I try to never lie, the one truth I keep untill I die. For years I hide, my heart stops... i wish it would stop.

Save me

I am no help right now
No matter my pain, matter what they say
I will save you
I made up my heart
A long time ago...
I made up my heart
Will I ever let go
Can I ever let go
I dont know
Not right now
Not when you might need me the most

Cracks

I feel this pressure at the front of my brain. Like pressing my face against glass.. Or clogged sinuses. I feel how I'm stuck and held back. How I'm still just a child. How I'm not responsible, how I can't make enough, how I can't be a father, how I can't be a man. How I can't fulfill my promises. How all my blame is an escape from the truth. How the place, my hell is my own design. How the time and the burden are my reluctance to move in life. My little obsessions.. my little falls...

I wish I was together, I wish I was smart and sharp. I wish I could get the job, I wish I could forge the body, forge the mind.. I wish I could buy the home, buy the car... I want it all for you. Who ever you are.. I can't secure it, I can't secure myself.

Blind

I had a question
You didn't want to answer..
I was so confused
Till you came closer
I seen one thing didnt mean another
I don't know when I'll make sense of this

I tare it all away so I could have this one day
Maybe one day to sail away
Far away to find this antidote
But you say please dont
I was better off anyways..
Oh ah, oh dont do it again
Your saying goodbye
Right when I need a friend
I didn't make a sound but it was all too loud
I said too many words because I was all too proud
My minds like a slate whipped clean
I still cant tell what anything means
Lost in the dark I scream for you
Lost in the dark where you are too
We were in the same place but I lost your face
So close I cant see, its not about pleasing
My heart and mind trying to find a new way to call whats mine a span of time and maybe this hopes a sign I can put behind what always reminds
Its empty, its dumb
This little mind stuck under a thumb
It stretches and skews
I trust, I do.
I always felt that it would be you.
Through the fear I kept you near
No one else could be my dear.
I'm tired of this song, I'm tired of this story.
I don't want to write it. I don't want to read it.
I'm praying I have the strength to make it real and breathe it.

I sat still, unable to move for what felt like forever. I had so many visions pass through my mind of all the futures that lay out before me. Even other peoples futures. Their hearts and my hearts. I thought about them all. I wondered about myself and my worth, I thought about if I could step up to the plate through my grand decisions. My thinking fell stale and cold. My heart stopped shaking and my tears did dry. I felt mindless and motionless. This was the least painful place but the most dead. The state I took without thought showed me something. I couldn't be making the right choice if uttering the words has frozen me.  I recount dozens of times I shook in my shoes trying to tell my parents I wished to play as a child with my lips sealed shut against my will. Some anxiety of the possible or likely denial of my desires. Here I am in the same state. The state I think I will move to is not my goal, honestly the place itself does not attract me. I am more scared of the emotions I will feel being so far away from anything I have known. I am afraid of my emotions and how they take me so strongly, how they steal me from being responsible. I told my close friend I was afraid because I felt my life now was my test and if passed, I could progress higher into life and take on more tasks and be a more accountable person who created things. Right now I feel that I am someone who does not produce but simply reflects and reacts. I have a body and mind that are often out of my control. My will is shaken easily by the whims of my heart and it's cries for love.

I have read and listened to my heart and have understood you are the path, you are the death of my inner child. You present to me the cruel and cold realities of life and how they fuse in motion with light and blissful love. I read once that is the expression of the pure female. You have always been the goddess trapped and suppressed.

My heart guided me to you and I wished to revive the child in your heart. I know now to protect my joy, to protect my innocence. I understand you more. I understand your state. I get what you lack you may attack me for. I feel strong in dedication. But I feel broken in dedication not matched. I wonder if I can ever escape a feeling like that. I wonder how many questions I have to ask before I'm ready to step into lights life unafraid and act as my spirit wills and watch my body and world follow suit with enough joy and innocence to enjoy the ups and downs of all the things that come to be.

Frozen

"I cried until my heart shattered. I couldn't say yes, I couldn't say no. With my mouth wide open and my breath held I watched the ship sail away feeling nothing."

Stop Asking

Why am I dying when my heart still beats
Where am I going if my life doesnt stop
The plant doesnt cry when its torn to pieces
Our ego does cry when its tome to die
I feel the pain, I feel the fear
To be pulled apart
Why do I feel this now, it wasnt this I's time to die.
We had the whole world plotted out from this mans name.
But is it time to say goodbye?
And how many years before we awake again to find another reason?
Would I really die before I find it again,
Could I find so many small answers I die without ever making something..

Lost colors

How deep are you willing to reach?

What if every point of power, every memory could be used till it was empty?

And at the end of all your hardest trials, and after all the times you reached, your retrospection and history was all but burned and ash. Scorched by your own fire.

Who do you love?

Why can't you look into their faces?

Why do you want to run away from what makes you feel tied to this world?

You have seen and felt what it is to be alone, cut off and left to dry out.
Left to die.

My mother..
My father..

The grandparents..

The partial love I hold for strangers

The colorless love of family

These words don't matter like they used to. When you say the same thing for a decade the words tend to loose their meaning.

Oh how I can say and declare you and I but I'll never find my way any closer to the answer I look for.

Is it peace? My own personal peace?

Or is it the peace of others along with myself?

My heart tells me neither. All answers are wrong and so is thinking about them. But the silence doesn't satisfy me. Nor does the answer that I am not mean't to be satisfied because life is harsh in it's reality. An answer is a solution. But the equation is not always a problem. Therefor needing no solution.

Does my pain and my joy answer to an equation? Is it all just the same, no matter the imbalance in experiencing the two. It is the matter, the way of things.

Life

I hate how my mind wants to scream
How pointless this must seem
The way I try to push down anger
Always comes back around later
I wanna know I want an answer
I already know its disaster.
So when I hear it I shut it out
Theres no way Id ever let it out
Some days im starting to forget
And I start to wonder is this is it
Whats the probability youll find yourself alone
So far away and no place to call home
Forever these plains Ill roam
The ache inside
I swore I died
Or maybe I lied
Consciousness on the side
Asleep as I ride
Eye closed as I bring the tide
I wanna hide, but Im already hidden
What else could you want, Im back at the beginnin
You dont hear what Im feelin
Maybe some day I can write a song about how high Im livin.
Till then Im on the ground
On ones around
Peace will be found

Unnatrual

Silence.
It's basically murder
Silence in the dark
It revolves around, outside
Silent he is to
What is
Happening here
He doesn't dare to
Question
Or realize it's unnatural
To be so natural
With fucking that girl
I didn't mean to hide it, but I wasn't even excited. Just another day for me how do I confide it. I couldnt in anyone but still this song gets sung.
How are you so understanding?
How does it break my heart?
How do you keep putting trust in me when you shouldnt have from the start?
I used to think I was someone else.
I live by the second hand, wishing i could take a stand, but trapped in a moment I am, wishing you can understand, this irritating master plan, for a second I think that you can. But do you see what I am? Do I see what you are? I couldnt, I held so far. Your blessing, all the while I was messing. I denied and tried but found I lied. Myself, how could I lie to me. How do you define honesty?

I love you.
Im certainly sorry
The past is surely missed
Dont let the present pass you.
The future is always ours.

My name is Life

You have to allow yourself to change, James.

I care about you more than you know.
I'm sure these days you arn't sure who you are anymore, you have so many sides and sometimes it's hard to see who's turning the wheel.

The pain you feel makes you feel weak.

You've been putting away your feelings with junk food. You are starting to feel sick all over.

You have not fallen James, you just need to be here right now.

You have been waking up little by little.

The fact you seen all those sides of yourself, it means you can see what should be part of you and what shouldn't.

Don't be afraid to let some things go, they may come back if there was something good in them.

I know it's hard, you feel so heavy and you hurt. But time keeps running out, opportunity runs thin. You won't have chances forever.

I don't know how to make everything work for you, align it all so happiness carries you through the work effortlessly.

It's not a blame, it's life. You choose to care, you chose to fall inlove with people. You want things for them, you want to be something for them. But you don't trust them. What you feel is real, that is part of you. Loving people is something that drives you, I won't ever take that away from you. But I may take away the people you are loving if they are not loving you.

You could never do it alone. So I have done this for you. It will not be easy to see and it may happen tomorrow or years in the past. But they are gone from your grasp.

Love people James, it's who you are.

Why are you so afraid to love?

I can't cope

I lock this all away because you cant heal me
I hide away things I wish I could say
I can only heal myself
But you gave me the reason to
I never had a reason to be strong
I never had a reason to hold myself upright
I was a child
I am a child
I don't feel like a man
When I cant concoct the plan
On how it all gets better from here
Who are you and what is this
Why do you say things that scare me away
Why do you have to be so much like me
You are weak how I am weak
Thats why for you I have to be strong.
You ask me again
Ill tell you Im okay
Ill always tell you Im okay.

Years

Know me baby for a million years
Hear me now before I leave you in tears
There' always gonna be a me you haven't seen
Because where my soul lies is inbetween

The moments when you touched my skin
The times you seen me soaked in sin
The words I sing, the words I right
Those are the day but I am the night

Oh I am the darkness I am the light
You see my face but it's never right
Deep inside I struggle and fight
What you don't see I locked up tight

I'll give you everything that I know
My mind, my heart, my soul.
Know me baby for a million years
Hear me know before I leave you in tears
There's a part of me you'll never know

Dreams

Boy you don't know how lost I am
In my own day dream
That lemon colored glass
Your work makes it gleam

When you find the reason why
Ill be right nearby
You dont have to waste your time
I know I can make you mine

This isnt my first rodeo
I see when you put on a show
Calm it down, wrap around
Lay your head Ill bring you in

When you find the reason why
Ill be right nearby
You dont have to waste your time
I know I can make you mine

Dreams
I know you can dream
Do you see me there
Dancing wind in your hair

Now you found the reason why
You came an got me high
You didnt waste no time
Now you can say I got mine.

Daffodil

On a bad day I should lock myself away
I'm so fucking scared of what I might say
The people who go always out number the people who stay
I wish I could find another way but I'm not one to prey
It wasn't always like this
There was somewhere to go, someone to be.
I never thought it would be me.
The man in the mirror
How did I end up right here.
Is this my skin?
My hair?
Who even is this man standing there?
How dare he do all this and says he cares
There was never any reason but to feel something
Because he knows he's not human.
This disconnect I can hardly recollect
Through how I lost myself when I tried to vent
These vicious tales you sent me
I tried to be
Has to be
Was me
Find me
You know me
Stop trying to hide me
What is this
Catastrophe seventy three?

There's never been a day I could remember where you called my name and I didn't feel some sense of shame about the acrobatics we played with boundries. Rules and concepts lost in prospects in shit we never had business doing. But you pushed on and I lead on. Till the day when you jumped on.

Right then and there I knew
Who you are
What you do
And I'm just like you
No moral
No self control

No fuck it, its gone
My little golden ball
Rolled right off the lawn.

Window

Im so terrified of the silence.
The anxiety of standing till.
Will she be there to catch my falling heart?
Where am I heading?
This road ends.
Where is she going?
I'm not that way.
What if when it's all over I find myself standing still?
Looking out the window all over again.
Wondering how I get closer.
How I get closer to life.
Your love is violence.
Come to close and its all down hill from there.
While a smile and a tear you learn how storms live.
Was he missing his mother, did he ever learn how to do it right?
Oh god hes so scared when you talk about that.
Oh how is strikes him to the core.
Where will I be?
Where will this go?
Who will be there or was it all a show?
He doesn't feel safe letting it all go.
Hes afraid his heart and soul may leave him.
How many lives must I be handed?
How many different faces before I live one?
Take now.
All paths start here.

Here

Sometimes I can't spin it artistically
Sometimes there is no other remedy
But to lay it out straight
What way I wont hesitate
About the way I feel inside
How I swore to you I wont die
No matter how many times I cried
Its over now 

But I promised I wouldn't shout it loud
But god I missed how you'd be proud
The way you smiled at me
Said you couldn't believe the drive in me
It brought me to my knees and buried me deep
How the hell would this be something I keep
No one answer
Not one, this must be done
For some reason or another I cant stand to see you with another but on the same side I knew I couldn't provide and I refuse to compromise in those child's eyes where the last of my soul lye's.

But I'm so afraid that in silence we die.

I wanted this to be a story where we both survived.

Lived out the rest of our lives

But what side are we living in?

I want to believe this is the right thing to do.

I'm pretty sure you remember it's all for you.

And those little angels, you can tell them that's why I'm doing this too.

You messed up when your daughter called me daddy

I knew from then I wouldn't be happy

But this time in between is something I had seen

Self preservation, my hesitation

With much contemplation I was the correlation

Look Around

Look around and you find me
With a book in hand for the world to see
Behind the tree with you right beside me
I know this aint right but I cant find the might to see that light
Wrapped up like this again
Dont know if I can keep a friend
I know this isnt the time for you and me
But you have to see
Has to be
Another catastrophe
Runnin at me
Thousand miles an hour straight at me
My minds gone apathy
Whats this supposed to be
Joyus, happy, merry? Shit..
I dont know if I can find whats mine in this brief time youve handed me
Crunch time
When you close mine
Take it away
What am i supposed to say
Another reject or retard
You say run but how far
I cant take this another day
There just has to be another way
When are you going to see
This aint a game to me
When you going to quit playing me

Flowing

The wisedom you were given was the wisdom of all. Nothing has been wrong, all you have thought has had some right in it. Everything that comes will also go. You breath in and you must breath out. It all finds a way back, all in one space all at once. Before it expands and speads infiniate. You will loose it all, your breath, your youth. Everything you feel and everything you have will go away. You will loose life. Everything you take you will one day loose. But everything lost, you will find again. You will loose your heart, you will loose your mind, your skin and your bones. You will not see, you will not hear. But everything lost you will find again. But you cannot breath in what you already hold, so dont be afraid to let go. It will find its way back to you in time.

Teach my children about the universe, teach them about death. Teach them to never be afraid because what is lost will always be found, and what is taken will always be lost. Allow our spirits to float on these waters. This current.

1-2

I felt the knife plunge into my then excited but now dull heart. 

A sense of reason for things I had no reason for.

Other than claims I made, reasons I gave.

Not things I was handed but things I asked for.

Why was I here, why did I take this on?

My heart rose with reason and purpose then quickly fell again.

This world, this story was failing me.

I was no higher, I was no holier. 

I felt no clouds beneath my feet.

Only ground rough on the sole.

My excitement for challenge wanes when it's achievement leaves me with further work to do.

Still I held tightly, till i could not.

So I held loosely, till I could not.

Now I only watch from afar, around corners and through grape vines.

Seeing and feeling destruction in a garden of hope.

Through bright brilliant eyes, the sun shining behind her face.

The world waited with open arms,

Just waiting to pull her in.

All she had to do was see herself, love herself. 

You could be the sun again, the planets still revolve around you.

Breaking

Please don't break my heart
Please don't break my heart
Please don't break my heart
When you talk about family
When we talk about you and me
Talk about loving me
I hope you'll understand
Don't ever break my heart
Don't ever break my heart
Don't ever break my heart
It'll never be the same
Please don't break my heart
You could tear us apart
But you'll always be a part of me
I won't break your heart
I won't break your heart
I won't break your heart
I don't know if I could stand
Without you by my side
You tell me it's alright
I'll never have to be afraid
Your always in my heart
Your always in my heart
So long as we never stay apart.

Together

Please don't break my heart
Please don't break my heart
Please don't break my heart
When you talk about family
When we talk about you and me
When we talk about loving endlessly
I hope you'll understand
Don't ever break my heart
Don't ever break my heart
Don't ever break my heart
It'll never be the same
Please don't break my heart
You could tear us apart
But you'll always be a part of me
I won't break your heart
I won't break your heart
I won't break your heart
I don't know if I could stand
Without you by my side
You tell me it's alright
I'll never have to be afraid
Your always in my heart
Your always in my heart
So long as we never stay apart.

I have now realized that the composition of myself isn't have or in quarters. The first three quarters being with me. The methods that I write the programs that I design the way that I sculpt my figure by person. It is all a results of watching. Watching the natural flow or the spirit Within Me. That spirit being. I watch this thing I do what it says I have thoroughly convinced it's convinced myself that it is me and it is what breathes me. What's like being possessed by something it moves about its own will without my interjection. As I feed it and as it grows my happiness my awareness my value of life and many other facets at which I can say I enjoy my life more seem to grow. So my first instinct is to allow it to grow completely unhindered. Removing many layers of anxiety secrets trauma to increase the sense of confidence as confidence is The Shield at which you hold off the disruptions in your own forces resonance and growth. Once The Shield is built the last thing to be made is the clever trick of making money off of the natural Instincts of the spirit. Much like a doctor would watch a patient and document at what time does the day certain hormonal levels blood pressure another of various measurements of the client's body and health would be made and at what times the frequency until 1. Space and much like any other profession or research watching an animal. Getting the something that comes naturally and watch what you do documented very finely and see how you can Progressive.

So I dangle the carrot before my eye so that I may squeeze every last tear from my heart that I may muster. Hundreds of glistening enchanted jewels shrouded in powerful memories near and dear to the heart. And as her blessing goes away he light fades from the stone, the hum fades into silence. What wonder and magic was once held within has faded. It's seen two ways, the past and the present. The mind struggles to choose which to hold on for it does not know which is real. For in the eyes of the beholder the gem still shines and shines brightly but te beholders eyes are filled with tears because his love does not seen this shine, these same gems and artifacts appear dull and distasteful. Surrounded by memories rather not remembered rather than surrounded in memories that the beholder cannot wait to experience again. This conflict in views sparks the deep emotional reaction, to each his own anger or sadness. Confusion always sets in somewhere before or between this entangled mess of emotions and thoughts. The beholder will seak to clear his confusion and if he lacks the inner circles of friends and family who have given him good word before then he will turn to his lost love for the answers of their seperation. But this individual is already setting sail and moving further away from these memories at an increasing rate, asking this person to stay for a few moments and explain is often a fruitless endevour unless you are willing to chase down the train and leave behind the sour taste and faulty chracter of the obsessive and groundless man.

How many days do you find yourself staring at the wall?
How many times have you wished you could ran away from it all?
It doesn't have to be like this.
You know it's true.
I'll help you find yourself.
I've been here since you were seventeen.
Do you remember those summer nights?
Looking up at the stars, long before you ever felt alone.
Back when we were together.
Wrapped up on a bench would you could be someplace better.
You wanted to be here, you wanted to be found.
But why does it make you feel so small?
I love that I know you, is it not a pleasure to be seen?
If you have to ask you know the reasons why.
Maybe a long time ago but not anymore.
Those eyes that watch me used to be a part of me.
But now they hang and fill me with doubt, images of a man I'm not about.
Surely he will be misunderstood
The vision of himself has changed but his world has not.
Deep within him he feels the ultimate struggle to move the world around him.
Rather than allow the world to move him.
He searches for the will.
He fears his own strength.
Afraid to use the power he holds.
Knowing well that he could pull down everything that stands.
He sees the bonds that hold together that which brings pain, he wants to break them all.
But he has seen how his actions can doom the ones he loves, even though he wanted to help.
Why do you stay?
He finds out why the closer he becomes.
Why is this you?
He finds out why as he comes closer.
Some people I cannot come closer as I ask why, so I will never see that particular answer, but I will find that answer sometime later and the situation may be the same.
I want nothing but what comes natrually to me.
Everything else is a challenge to prove to myself things, normally these things mean nothing.
I push myself to do things to live up to what others think of me, or think ill of me.
Time, Time Time, Time.
He I sit, write and wait.
Watching the time on the clock slowly slip by.
Every moment another moment spent dead.
Here in my hole, this room, this house.
Sitting and wallowing in the same dead old memories.
I live, rot, and die within this confinment.
This is not a prison because I was captured.
This is a prison because I cannot leave without great risks.
I would have no place to lay my head without the impending day that I was told I have overstayed my welcome.
I would starve for finding work would take too long, but I have right now and I still make no motion to aquire hourly work again.
I freeze in trying to call and aquire more work from my union, for they are a treat to be blessed but not a resource to mine. No attempts have ever worked, why am I suppressed here after years of work?
I feel shame in leaving my job at the gym, my opportunity to make relationships and clients.
All in my head this feels ok, these obstacles are small and my opportunities are many.
But yet I find myself in pure misery engaging in many of these things.
The hourly work brings me to the peak of my stress still my emotions burn out and I go dead and silent with a fire burning inside me to explode.
To those who saw quench that flame and work, I say go fuck yourself. No soul should have to bottle in their fustration and hatred of other people for the sake of survival. Those days are long past where the tribe must always be cared for. This is truley the age of the individual.
In the gym I worked for I felt this awesome pressure of freeze.
I would make some attempts to speak with members but my directions would fail, I could not steer properly and result.
I would not follow up my efforts, I wanted my single interaction to be my last with them.
My own mood, feelings and overall state were far too inconsitant with the chracter I needed to provide to ensure a reliable experiance for that client.
At home I can't find the willpower to practice and track the habits that would ensure my emotional and overall state would be consistant enough.
I'm trying to find reason in why I don't see eliminating the deep slides in the graph of my state over an amount of time doesn't motivate me to do so.
I expressed this once to someone but with the spin that I might be addicted to apathy.
This feeling of saddness, longing and sarrow may be something I draw pleasure from.
I draw a strange pleasure from it as I am not pleased by it.
I feel lacking and in need of help to retain a better state when I am in the state of depression.
I would like to express willpower and change this direction so that more time would be spent working in a direction of growth and achieving things I want rather than spending time looking back and reorganizing and reinterviewing myself about different events in my life and possible events.
This direction of growth is a very blurry thing, which is not helped that it has to be a capitolly insentivised growth rather than a purely creative growth.
Basically described as the minds ability for fluid creativity forced to produce things outside of the definition of the fluid creative processes job.
Because not always are buisness growth tasks ones that can be build from the creative imaginination.
If the creative imagination is used for things that do not bring immediate pleasure to the creator then the process is being used incorrectly and the highest quality results (great masterworks to be proud of) will never be created, they will be miniscule, deformed, misshaped and ect.
I have been trying far to hard to mold two catagories of creative abilities into one, as the fluid process is the only one I have familiarity with. Being a fictional writer and a abstract tribal artist for some time I grew to understand the fluid and infinate workings of things process. While it still drained some energy from the system, the energy provided by it's completion was more than enough to make up for the defecit in emotional state quality.
So thinking of growth as work, or plotting the plan for achievement when needing to create products which requires imagination seems to fall apart or kill the growth by placing it in a box.
I have not yet found a way around this, a way to seperate the catagories so they can work to their best ability when used properly. Despite the many brilliant uses for the mind, the mind can e used incorrectly.

Funny how one song can bring her here.
She isnt there but you can smell her
You can feel her lips, jist as she licks them
You feel her neck. Her hair, the soft but thickness of her skin. Her bold features, her round cheeks and short chin

Just an idea for what my reflection of this world might be as I can't just be one solid thing. The nature is state over time long enough for a wavelength to be formed. The space too small between can not be anything, it is potential. I observer the motion of this great wheel and the passing of many faces over it surface. Only seen for a moment but still a part of this song. For too long I have forced myself to focus in, look closer and define myself as a single frame and hold my will to this image so that my waveform, my song would ring or vibrate to the same tune no matter the world I was in. I observe from far away, I cannot come so close to this form. It is too small and does not become carried by the greatness that hides behind everything. It is within everything. Our will places tension or strain over the smallest undefinable length of time where raw potential is held as the waveform is created and defined as it is tracked. Like trying to place your hands on a wire after being plucked to suppress its vibration is my attempt to hold myself to a single frame of time or image for myself.

Dull Stone

So I dangle the carrot before my eye so that I may squeeze every last tear from my heart that I may muster. Hundreds of glistening enchanted jewels shrouded in powerful memories near and dear to the heart. And as her blessing goes away the light fades from the stone, the hum fades into silence. What wonder and magic was once held within has faded. It's seen two ways, the past and the present. The mind struggles to choose which to hold on for it does not know which is real. For in the eyes of the beholder the gem still shines and shines brightly but the beholders eyes are filled with tears because his love does not see this shine, these same gems and artifacts appear dull and distasteful. Surrounded by memories rather not remembered rather than surrounded in memories that the beholder cannot wait to experience again. This conflict in views sparks the deep emotional reaction, to each his own anger or sadness. Confusion always sets in somewhere before or between this entangled mess of emotions and thoughts. The beholder will seak to clear his confusion and if he lacks the inner circles of friends and family who have given him good word before then he will turn to his lost love for the answers of their seperation. But this individual is already setting sail and moving further away from these memories at an increasing rate, asking this person to stay for a few moments and explain is often a fruitless endevour unless you are willing to chase down the train and leave behind the sour taste and faulty chracter of the obsessive and groundless man.

This is my life. It belongs in my hands.
I don't want to be a part of this, or you.
I trust myself to do the right things.
I trust myself to have the heart when choices come that I need to use it.
I trust my mind to help me when I have work to do.
I trust my will to push me when I want to stop.
I trust my soul to carry my father when all else fails.
I trust my faith to bring me lessons I cannot learn from people and books.
I trust my eyes to see all there is to see.
I trust my ears to hear all there is to hear.
I trust myself with myself.
I love myself, I love you.
I love them, they all and we.
I love our history, how we made it here.

But I have hate.
Do I express hate?
Do I trust hate?
Am I right when I feel anger?
Can I follow two paths so stranger to eachother?
Is the path I walk in life not straight and not only one path?
Is this entanglement, two where one should be.
Or maybe infinite.
Can I be more than just one?
Life an aray of emotions and states.
Such a variety in who we are just as ourselves.
The right and wrongs are hard to define because the wrong display attributes of the right and the opposite is also true.
But a certain degree of prudence is always necessary for our growth, a certain selective eye for our qualities and traits. Chosen rationally seems mad and sadistic. Inhumane. But this prudence guided my emotion is like an order from God. Not to be ignored and no matter who it offends we must be write, our prudence is of divine source. Also why do I share these words? There has been time inbetween the moments where I could tell if I was a helpful word in the wind to help guide this emotional prudence in the hearts of others so we may collaberate similar selectiveness and breed a world that was guided by our emotions. The knowledge we select our truths from we based mostly on emotion, rarely on rational comparison. This is alright, because rational comparison is a science that exists only inside the artificial. Just like time or measurement of distance. These things seem absolute but when divided further and further, or multiplied as such they loose all meaning and ability to be measured. The results jump around and change. Nothing in this universe is set or solid. The whole system flows and is changing constantly on the deepest levels. Nothing is ever still. So why this need for change and improvement as a whole society? Why must we become smarter, stronger, more beautiful and more benevolent to one another? To me it's very clear but hard to convey. It's from an emotional stand point to improve our experiences. If we are smarter we can solve issues we couldn't imagine or perceive possible solutions for. A combination of our creativity, intellect, and intuition. If we are more beautiful we are more confident and are more able to relate to one another. We are able to more willingly grow deeper into our relationships which is the source of creative power in living things, complex relationships between living things. The relationship lasting a few minutes or decades can lead to birth. This is a complex relationship in itself as cells from the male and female body enter relationship and organize themselves in more and more complex patterns until the human emerges. The more complex our relations to one another the more complex our problems also become. The wiser we become we see simple solutions to complex social issues rather than just ecological or domestic in nature. Seeing solutions from the wise eye's view can be blocked or blinded by faulty or obsolete thinking. Complexity and efficiency compete in nature. The human mind has a habit of pushing complexity far beyond where our efficient organization of thoughts and or cells can keep up. No human walks this Earth without some form of neurosis or cancer, cell death, or aging happening in their body. The structure we are now as humans is a evolutionary development of cells forming more complex relationships. Right now I see that we as all people are reaching a precipice in our complex thinking and relationships where the cells and thoughts will rather than constantly expand and create new complexities will try and sort the materials and ideas to be organized into more efficient pathways to be taught and learned by the next generation so their minds and bodies can be freed from the weight of every generation before them asking too many questions they had no answers for. This cliff we stare over looks very deep. Deep enough that if you were to jump you would fall long enough to forget you were falling at all. This is an interesting analogy because it speaks of the state the new generations will find themselves in the age of organization and efficiency. They will decened into the amassed information of previous generations, machines sorting through history, information, experiances, reasoning, and emotions untill they have brixged the gaps between all theoties, sciences, histories and faiths to uncover the underlying patterns of life, development and growth in humans. At the end of this phase is when I see the forgetting of the sensation of falling. Answering every question there is to ask leaves a person in a state of limbo. Seemingly without purpose now that whatever deed that did need doing has been done. A bored and disinterested soul will crave choas. Choas can only exist when the conditions of the chpatic event are beyond control or being able to fully encompas the event. Choas is the return of growing complexity and the fascination with exploration of possibilities rather than their analyzation of the sake of efficiency.

This blog never had a reason or purpose.

I've come to realize I feel same to expose my broken self here. When I am faced with myself or the problems I hold inside I can come here and speak from the heart about it. I am the only one who hears my words. But slowly that is starting to change as each day more and more views seem to find their way here and that amazes me. For moment it made me rethink how I typed here. I think about my writing more, my use of profanity, my spelling and grammar. It was never about that before. Just type as fast and as passionate as possible and maybe one day when I'm famous I can pay someone to go back through all of this and spell check it for me.

I've worked myself into a messed up position because I feel like I'm trapped inside a cage between what I need myself to be and what I am being. I can write lists and listen to videos about how to structure and guide this change but I simply feel empty from time to time. No will or spirit to push me and my body feels useless, like it shouldn't be here it is. Almost like a magnetic repulsion I feel rejected by the very air I hold in vacuum by my physical body filling that space. I am allowed here, part of my existence warrants that. But yet I still feel like I don't belong. Like I am solar powered on a planet that has no sun. Where is the will and energy filling the air, filling me? The air I breathe is a stale air, the energy I spend is energy on reserve. Where it comes from I don't know, but I'm always a marker from empty yet I never totally run out. I'll run so low and keep on spending and there isn't a single good thing about it. It makes me feel like I am eternal but eternal in stress, not eternal in joy. What is a ever lasting life in that life is spent in confusion and restlessness.

I want these hands to craft what I know they can but they feel forced, my heart stands in the way and my eyes drop to the floor. Why must I become my own obstacle. What am I to myself? Why is this concept so confusing? Why can I not define myself? What am I? What is my place in all this? Am I here to create chaos? Solve problems? Spread love? Or to self serve and build for my own enjoyment and survival. The latter is the only I feel any connection with now. As each hand I have reached out has gotten bit. But I feel my debts grow up the help of family in supporting me. I despise this debt, I feel stained and ruined by it. I feel as though I can't act on my own regard when being held and houses by someone else. When their dollar becomes my blood, my blood is not my own.

I have to move from this place but to do that I must move these hands. These hands won't move when carried but such a heavy heart. I wish this weight was lifted, I want all these emotions that hold me back to go away and for the heaviness to be carried on my shoulder upon strong legs. Not holding this heart which should soar so very close to the ground. Trying to be out of sight and out of might. My wants and needs conflict with each other. The desire to be important, to sen messages and change lives. To speak without hesitation but to remain unnoticed so I can act without thought about judgement of my actions. Why do these opinions matter? After many men have had horrible actions and equally horrible character but have gotten much farther in life and seem to live much happier.

So many paths, I love to study the path. How they become, what they are. It's all very interesting to me because my own path makes no sense to me. It's where the math begins to cave in when I observe myself, my history so that I am see who I am, how I became who I am. The reasons I place seem like lies beneath the surface to explain things so I can hide from the real problem. Explain the surface to ignore the core. But I cannot see this core, I don't know if it exists. I don't know if anything exists. My efforts into it feel like I am being tricked or fooled. Or that all this life will come to an end where I am laughed at by ancient spirits. There is no place in the reality I hold in my mind where I can escape the unrelenting judgement of my peers.

I wish to see the body of my father. Such a strong, bold, violent and provocative thing to say but I feel no statement stronger. The effect his presence had on my forming was like cancer in my blood. How I feel ruined by such a mans guidance. How I feel less, how I feel I have no beliefe in myself because of this origin. Whilst I trace my path I find myself in front of him, this great destroyer, this irresponsible and morally dead man.

So much hate inside, wanting to let it all go but I feel how it tugs against the flesh of my soul. How it stings as it pulls. How I feel I loose just another slice of what I feel is real. How in my mind I hold my world at a touches distance. Where I can feel it all as though it were in my hands. All my senses come to the surface and my imagination uses them all to construct the images in my mind. So much more than images, memories. Smell, touch, taste, sound, and sight. But when I let go, when I choose to forget I loose a part of my ability to remember. With each memory I cast away it becomes harder to form new ones. Always with less detail or I can only remember them through certain senses.

I don't want to be this, how can I let go of my angers and still remain the man I am?

I think the answer is I cannot. I do not believe great men are men who forget who wronged them, men who forget why the world is wrong. Men who forget are men who are forgotten.

Tomorrow

And as I breathe I fell the stress and tears that hide between the fibers of my muscles.

My worn stiff and tired muscles.

In the night when I am lost to myself, in this dangerous mysterious world of the night.
Left alone to the imagination I'm convinced I no longer have, I remain totortured by it. Teased and lied to about it missing state as I know very well it have remained here with me. Hidden behind the scenes with a mind of its own as it is no longer happy with my uses for it. A child in mind and at heart he only wishes to play. Say playful things, do senseless things. I understand. I listen the best that I can so that I may follow in the wishes of my spirit. Who I think is my spirit. With me always, but yet I feel so alone in the night. So who am I? Am I the perversion of the childs spirit which needs to be cut away and burned? Has the real I been fooled so well? Or am I the matured and changed man held behind by some much that isn't willing to grow with him. Why when I command steel I only recieve this painful fleash. I need what is harder, what stays stronger longer. I have many jobs, many goals, many works that these tired stiff muscles will have to see their way through. If I am a demon this wil be my disaster because my life is a game, a token. I can spend it as I wish, if these be a hijacked life so be it. I am sorry to all those who would have loved this devine boy. The music lover, the dream weaver, the heavy hearted, the head in the stars. The dark prince. He says goodnight. The warrior rises, a king in his wake.

Awake

In the years before I was a man I had a deep chained to the Earth connection to certainty in the structure, origin, and real truth but not in words or declarative knowledge. Just an emotion of safety and certainty in what i think and feel is the truth. I had no questions about it yet I was always curious. Was this a strength or a thankful state of ignorant bliss. Was the state, not needing words to describe what truth is a connection to truth like the umbilical cord to the baby and after the time comes the cord is severed and the child has to pull is truth and blessings from the ground, the world, and the people around him. He eats of the Earth so his body is maintained and grows while before he received his nutrients from mother while he remained asleep. So we in mind and in heart disconnect from mother and turn to take what we once received while we sleep from the waking world. 

How It's Going To Be

Look around and you find me
With a book in hand for the world to see
Behind the tree with you right beside me
I know this ain't right but I cant find the might to see that light
Wrapped up like this again
Don't know if I can keep a friend
I know this isn't the time for you and me
But you have to see
Has to be
Another catastrophe
Running at me
Thousand miles an hour straight at me
My minds gone apathy
What's this supposed to be
Joyous, happy, merry?
I don't know if I can find what's mine in this brief time you've handed me
Crunch time
When you close mine
Take it away
What am i supposed to say
Another reject or retard
You say run but how far
I cant take this another day
There just has to be another way
When the fuck are you going to see
This ain't a game to me
When you going to quit playing me
I can turn this shit around
But you never make a fucking sound
Oh no not this again
cant you see that I need a friend
In this time of need cant you hear my plea
Right here beside me like its supposed to be
just like you promised me
just like how we'd be free
But here we are once again and I cant even call you a friend.
Responses, monotonous, irrational nonsense.

Sun Between Us

Youve thrown away so much
But not enough
Not enough for me
Were you wrong about me
What you thought you could tell me
What you thought I could handle
Was it really that wrong
I dont know what its like to be you
I dont know if I would be different if I was you
Maybe I would say the same things
Maybe I would do the same things
So how can I judge you
But youve come this far
Youve done all these things
Youve thrown away so much
And it was to be with me?
Are you inlove or are you reckless
Is this destiny or is this an escape
Is this the happiness you are looking for
Or is this a patch on your scars
They may seem the same
But are you running to me?
Or just running away
Is it because of me or would someone else been good too
Long as they loved you
Would you run to anyone who loved you?
Or do you run here because you love me too
Maybe the way you love me is different than what Ive known
I dont fully grasp it
I cant deny it
I cant look at you and say you dont
I cant doubt you like that
But because you love me, doesnt mean you dont hurt me
Ive hurt you too
Is this toxic love of a beautiful struggle.
This doesnt seem like a romantic story anymore
This seems like a tragedy between two people
Broken by the past and scared of the future
People who dont make good choices
They are honest, they follow their hearts
But those hearts have been broken
They dont know what they are doing
I dont know what I want
But what Im doing now isnt right
I wonder how often you think the same thing
I know you have, but that thought was long ago
When did we fall inlove
When, through my walks in the woods with my phone in had
Talking to an old friend
About the heart, always about the heart
We seen eachothers
What light did we see that we would cast away
What light convinced us that our love would overcome all our wrongs
Is the passion still there
Does a fire still burn
Does that light still shine
I dont know
But I cant let go and I cant forget
I cant ignore, im a part of this, im what pulled you
And you are what pulled me
Magnets.. more like planets, with a sun between us.
How close can we come
Or would we be burned alive.
Always feeling the pull
But it is not clean
My stomach still turns, I fear the embrace
Held at a distance rather than held in open arms
But is this just me, my conditioning
My joy being your trauma
Mistakes in communication
I want you here
Not your body, not your mind
Just your heart and your voice
Leave the world behind you
Let me see you like I seen you before
Let me see the that light
My emerald jade talisman.
Symbol of trust and bond, warm, welcoming, understanding, hearing, seeing.
Ive felt moments where we crossed lines between you and I
Where I cant tell if my thoughts are my own
Us as one, so hard to avoid when your so much the same.

Far Above

And what have I become
Another one in line with nothing to say and nothing to feel.
Asking a million questions, I'm running in circles.
This person that I am, the one who I'm not.
I thought I knew but that was before I lost track.
Somewhere in the years the I was all wrapped up I lost myself.
One thousand feet off the ground feeling like the sun is pushing me to the ground.
I want to fly but what carries me drives me into the ground.
This passion is confused, lead into darkness with the lantern carried by a quiet and absent heart.
Dragging heavy feet behind me I make my choices.
Do what's right or what let's me sleep at night and not always the same.
Sometimes I cry and I always tell the ones who I think care so they know I know how to feel still.
With this life you think I would be long gone, dead inside or given up.

I latch on, running, screaming.
Away from myself, away from the noise.
Never can I come back down, where I wish I was.
I'm not strong enough to stand on my own two feet so I fly.
What do I do, what do I do.
The silence, the time.
Sounds like an answer but ends up being a sentence.
I write it out because I want you to see it.
I want to know I'm real so tell me you see me because I forget I'm here.
Just like I was taught.
Hide that heart, silence that voice.
Those words don't want to be heard.
Do not disturb.

I've been afraid for too long to shake the supports of the world.
I didn't know if I could handle when it fell.
Pointing to you, thinking you would never be ready.
Inside I know I'm not ready to see this fall because it wouldn't be into my hands.
In my hands, filled with pain and anguish.
Not the love I wished would fall there.

But how far do you want me to come?
How many doors I'm not ready to open must I face?
How much do I have to swallow?
How much do I have to accept?
I can't be another one when you are the one.
You can't be the one when I have to wonder.
I can't question myself everyday...
Feeling guilty for feeling.
Knowing how I want to grow, knowing who I want to be.
Open to everything and everyone.
When I find myself there I want to be surrounded with love and safety.
But does it ever end up that way?
Pushing, expecting.
This is my heart, this is my all.
The root of my whole, where all I am begins from what I feel.
This is not.
Not the space, not the time.
Not like this, not with so much pain.
So much suppressed, so many lies.
Sometimes not lies but words unsaid, things not known.
A soul with mine fluid and together, clear, connected.
The light inside shines and shows all corners of each others deep corners and shadows.
Being fully exposed before gods eyes, the eyes that peer into me and all my shadows.
Seeking.
Liberation.
When all my secrets are told maybe I can let go of the past and live with you right now, in every second.
You my love, you myself.
When I traveled I looked at the time, a time for a wish and this was mine.
In this life or another... together, found.

Over and Over

In over our heads.

I've been in over my head.
Every bite I take it too much than I can handle.
I'm not very good at chewing, my teeth arn't straight but I can bite.
When I wanted to love I promised you something beyond myself.
I promised you my goals
I promised you would never receive me as I am.
Because I am not perfect.
You get the best of me, better known as the me I don't have.
A life together, once maybe twice.
I believed in my promise.
No matter how tight the noose pulled.
I said I wouldn't give in.
I never did, I laid on the ground with the weight of the world on my chest and waited till I could move with my new burden.
No matter the time inbetween.
A promise is a promise.
Love and loyalty, something to prove.
Always something to prove.
Right before I could, the burden was taken away.
You think of weightlessness and freedom.
No, emptiness.
Incredible void.
From the dark void one day shines light that cannot be seen.
That which holds me upright
That which fills my heart and sharpens my spear
That which moves my hands and moves my feet.
I find myself at the mountains top.
With no way down, the void returns.
A mystery what drove me here.
I cannot understand, the presence and absence of spirit.

Mine.

You wont break me, this wont be the last time you try.
Ill never give in, this heart wont stop.
The day will never come.
If the fire dies I will rise from the ashes.
Darkness may fill the sky but like the sun Ill be coming around.
I remember everything, even moment, every kiss.
Every day another reason, a way I wont ever forget.
This is my calling, my hope and my dreams.
The scars may come.
Pain.
The thing I am never ready for, my ground, floating.
My place place-less.
Strap me down so I can endure the pain, each time better than the time before.
So i can endure on my own two feet.
Forever, building my strength.
The day is dark, and so is the heart.
I feel the ashes fall around me.
I feel the once green leafs crumble in my hands.
Sprinkle the shattered life into the ground.
The place where ashes will become flames.
Where death will become life.
In this all, I have seen life.
The green light, the jade symbol.
I have never held a shape, a feeling in my heart and mind that I felt so real.
My will is questioned
My motives attacked
My feelings without validation.
I am the only one who believes and in this I find my pride.
My small self standing against the tides so high.
But this small man stands because he has a plan.
The chances are real, He knows that he may fail.
He knows it may all be for nothing.
But he knows what he wants, he is willing to endure the pain to find out.
If a dream that was never chased never comes true it is his own fault.
That fault will not be mine, my heart will not be the one who falters.

Haze

Tired beyond reason the mind of the beholder finds himself.

Dance, in the wind.

Sing the song of the wind.

 Ask when does this light end.

Looking from the roots to the leafs

The sun so high, shines down on I

From the ground I reach into heaven.

I touch the face of eternity.

Aries

The name is one that the energy stems from, the image or word that can be used to describe where it starts or the glimpse of the pattern. The pattern being the location of the stars, the various forces that fly about the cosmos. The light that signs on the body at birth. Does it have any effect on the body? Does it have any effect on the soul? No. The have watched and we have named the child for what he shows. The correlation is correct but the reasoning for its connection is not so correct. What we are looking for is the image and personality that comes with it. A tendency for certain flairs and dramas. My lights shines on acquisition of the highest star, so that I may use its light to open the path and show me the next highest from that. As I have done all my life, from whatever first form I had. From being totally solid and dead, the feeling. Somewhere some place, in or around me I felt sensation that gave me place. I do not know where, I did not know how. I was in place and I could not move. From here, for such a long time i felt motion and learned how to make it myself. Through my desire, through my infinite need for that unreachable goal. As it takes me uncountable years, I am very slow but I have gained so much. My ability to grasp what is beyond has grown now that I have so much to compare to.
I screamed to the heavens as I was lost, scared and confused that I would not consume my own tail and that I was not a game with no beginning or end in sight besides a copy of a copy. I demanded to see progression. A greater and higher place that I would never return to once long passed. But I see a world like mine split many times, smaller after the last until they are bits, shuffled and press into a mirror of my own. It was humiliating to look at this exact copy of myself made from dirt that I would one day become again. When would the hand come to take away what I know, who I am and what I remember. When does the day come I have to forget and move on to be given a new name and a new place. Why insult me by giving me a job to do then taking it away, all the progress, all the work simply lost. At least to me.
The effort I placed into life and the development I have made will be left behind for ours. I cannot think of what weight or value for them it will hold but I do believe leaving behind our minds and their desires, complexities, and theories. That we can raise the level of life for those behind us. Because they are us.
My mind has passed my bodies ability to reach for the highest star. I've been placed in a problem because my soul is reaching for things yet again that are out of my reach. I do not remember what exact thing I did and had to learn each and every time obtained that star. I have obtained very many, and yet so far I still see farther yet to obtain. They will seem impossible, and now that we have come so far to feel and explain how we feel we will doubt our reason, doubt our existence, doubt what we are. We have always done this. We have always obtained the star we set our eyes on. We do not become ourselves when we forget this. Forgetting is like death, the soul has gone out or been dimmed.

In Line

Whats happens to men when he has walked outside the path that grants him a sip from the eternal flowing water of life or path of god. Immediatly his life is deflated as if the air was sucked from his lungs and the blood drained from his muscles and organs. His heart sunken rather than lifted, his eye cast down and his drive lame. I would have you believe that there is a loose path, much like a footpath walked daily by people. Before it was non-existent, the whole thing was the same. A flat grassy plane that has become something else because what it has given way to something else. A strong flow of energy, of life has broke way through this willing and accepting plane of grass. Because as the before mentioned eternal water of life flows against the soul the same way water moves against the land to make a river or grand canyon. So the man must shape himself to allow the water to carve him. But in our case the forces which move onto us are not seen but felt.

We, along with all other things all the way down to the molecules and lesser bits are always trying to shape into something else. Read a book, your mind shapes to the content of the book so you understand it. You work at a job your body shapes to suit your work. When your mind and heart changes so does the body, all things in life trickle down from the nexus of where we experiance life because this apature is the space where we trying and shape ourselves which is also where consciousness lies. The king makes his discreet or public choices, his motives questionable but the true indicator is the people and the land. As your body is like a complex city with many organisms and moving parts that have we have seen can be removed and the organism will survive so we have a difficult time looking at the body anatomically and selecting one thing or another as the organ of the soul. This is somewhat redundant if you realize the body is a trickle down of the before mentioned nexus.

When a man walks off his beaten path, the waters no longer move onto him as they had before and he feels it. The river is never a straight line nor the grand canyon or any footpath I have ever seen. He is to become something else as the waters have pushed him this way. There is much reason why the waters push him into a new state of being despite the negative feelings that come with it. There are many reasons in fact, first being this is simply our theme at essence. If you consider the essence of spirit at the core of all lesser and lesser bits of matter and energy the style or pattern is growth and variation, each division of the cell doing so in the sake of becoming something different. Never in nature because it chose to but because as the waters of life move onto man the way of nature moves onto matter. Every variation of the path can lead to a potential grand canyon, as the canyon itself has many paths, not just one.  So the many can become strong in many disciplines. Falling off the path is more like budding a flower with can grow large and with the proper room, sunlight and nutrients can grow as large and strong as all the flowers in the bed. So do not fear the short moment when you have found your heart does not lay in the path you walked before. If your heart has left you should follow it.

Titan Realized

And the day comes that the titan himself is realized as the fist of god that once crushed him.

He finds himself the fearful snake,
from the eyes of what once was prey.

Fear is now lost but without meaning he finds himself without predator so he turns his anguish against his used to be kin, and all its kind.

Out of hatred or a internal righteousness to liberate all from their cruel bonds as he has seen is unknown.

Sensation

Rewrite. Or relearn how you know what the world is and your ideas of it through sensations for a time rather than ideas. This is the goal in the practice of meditation but this state can be achieved in walking awake life. Its just a matter of whether you are concentrating or not and what you are concentrating on. What forms and names you give god, the universe, this world and all its people? Are they solid things which move with a mechanistic animation? Well we invented the machine, we are trying to explain an idea we formed with another idea we formed. The only difference is the second idea which would be the machine is a solid object which we can understand is real without much thinking. The reason for that is you can feel it, you can see it, smell it, tastes it and hear it. You know it is real because you can sense it. Remember what I said before, your senses are your gateway into the world. Or rather they are your world. Trusting the information they give you versus the knowledge given to you is very liberating and can cure up a number of nasty mind viruses. The example of the machine being a revolving door of trying to explain one sensation with another is a logical whirlpool that goes nowhere. Its a snake that eats its own tail. Seeing this will allow you to see when speaking with other people or hearing the ideas they speak that you are being handed what is essentially a tangled ball of yarn. This tangled up idea fascinates you. So you have to figure it out and surely you must take the challenge and try. This is pointless because when you finally untangle the thing and figure it out you realize its just a long string, and you could see that by just looking at it in its tangled form.

fist of god

A titan on his knees under infinate darkness
Arms in chains
A blinding weight
Intense as the sun
Resting on ths shoulders of a titan
Rage fills his eyes
He rises againt the sun
He holds off its force
Pushing him down harder
Waves of fire and light
He makes up on leg
The force grows too great
Slammed to his knees
Raging thunder

Again his rage flows
Purpose now filled where there was anger
He slowly struggles up one leg
The sun rages with fire and force
The titan raises yet another leg
Shockwaves of force and fire and the titan rises

Master of Fluid

Its in my belief that an individual who spent his years, infinite years or infinite in comparison to the life span of a normal man. If a man had 200, or even 1000 years could have the time to study in depth from many angles and foundations such as physics, anatomy, psychology, music theory, astrology could conquer the dragon which is the soul. My greatest fear in this conquest is as what Fredrick Nietzsche proclaimed the death of god. For this is the reason one man cannot ever do this alone in his own secluded study for countless years as we would believe would be the most efficient and proper way.

Each man will find this own way the roots grow. The the complexity tree root systems on a scale of a grain of rice in a field large enough to fade from view. When billions of these minds roam the earth it is the way we find the soul by each becoming fully devoted to out own unique paths. No two roots will grow the same. No two minds will ever be 100% equal. As from long ago till today we share fractions and replication of ancient faces or things we can identify and as we can identify them we can assign them personality. Spirits, Jinn, lords and gods. The force of living power. The translucent snake or flame that flows you into every moment of your memory that you can remember was pleasant, exciting, or simply right with everything.

That which cant be named is the unique vibration that seeks to always better you. The quake of the earth to loosen the rounds. As it can be expressed in shivers, shakes and a filling of the whole body as air travels inside you and fills you from your fingers to your toes.

It is also to my understanding that the many levels spoke about by C.W. Leadbeater are not truly floors with definitive lines and a distance filled with something much less tangible than the walls themselves. Our observation of the spiritual sky scraper with the ground floor or beneath street parking garage being your underworld or hell and the penthouse laced with luxury was heaven. And the floor beneath the penthouse was those near equally in righteousness but perhaps more humble. So on to the level above the parking garage of hell we see a persons who in some respect we can say is a better man or woman based off some respect. We try and identify with the vision that we transcend floors as we grow in some way, whether it be personal mental development, finding ones heart with community service or finding yourself in faith. Another grand possibility is climbing through these floors is a evolutionary process. A Darwin guided, plan without a paper guiding us to holy and higher places over long periods of time where our own individual endeavors into life and the full realization of god, love or energy into your bones is not lost with the death of the individual. His or her actions and experiences expand our scope of reality. In some ways you can say that by learning what other people have learned and seeing how complex life is. Its always right on the bleeding edge.

Lyrics. Explicit. Childish

Mhmm, yes.
Im a little bit bitter but not because of all the glitter that rained but that searing pain I was left with but now I can take a wif and smell that bullshit, always feelin like I had to push it. Convincing you to stay for another minute, you were finished, I wasnt, bitch Im not done talking, Ill have the last word. You wasted my time so Im a waste you with this rythm.

Bitch come a little closer, you so fire like my hands in a toaster.
Maybe with a drink or two we can come back through
With just a minute ill show you im feelin it
Baby im worth it. I know that im worth it

But hold up, what do you mean you dont care
Ill run these fingers through that hair
A kiss on the lips, suck that tip
Riding me, the way we slam that frame
Sun comes up we do it all again,
I didnt know how to be your friend
I cant do that
I dont know how to be this
I dont want none of this
Just you
No matter how miscued
Maybe it dont feel right to you
But that aint no excuse
Ill keep going harder
Till my hearts all sawed up
Cut into pieces and spread to thin
How was I ever suppose to win

Im ok without you
I want to be alone

No, fuck you.
All the times you said you love me
You need me
Haha what about all the bullshit you feed me
Like how you sat up and cried about what if I died

Guess what bitch, I did
You killed me
Why dont you come and feel me
Are you adraid? Cant walk these stones you laid?
You cut me and slammed the door, why the fuck you think I called you a whore.
Couple weeks later you got a boyfriend
What happened to I dont want no boyfriend
Bitch your a slut.
Couple weeks away from this big dick
Your fuckin thirsty but you think your slick
I hope this new dude knows your nothing but a game and I hope he plays you the same.

Grounded

While the sensation of achieving news levels in your own power and strength can be almost orgasmic or better remember the power of control.

The same as imagining the rushing river, massive power and force moving through and recreating the world. This energy fills our breast and veins when we move ourselves in the path of life. Everyone has their own life path and the path is very fully set. Just as a beaten foot path or even a expensive and well constructed highway will fade away as it is retaken by nature as it is not used. The paths we find the rushing rivers of life force moving through are as fluid as the water used to represent them.

We create these foot paths and highways as we use them and the power and energy we seek will find its way into the river bed we carved for them to fill. So what of the endless work and determination or digging the trench that would one day be our rushing river of vitality and fertility? Sometimes vallies run dry, great canyons carved by pure Will but remain fruitless and dry. Does one simply give up and try striking gold in another land all together? Or does one continue to carve his dry, dead and lonely canyon.

The truth is perception and acknowledgment of place and purpose. Some work long fruitless lives, so it seems. But the truth or reality that in the mind of the canyon carver, the work is without fruit and without reward. But as the saying goes "The world becomes a better place when old men plant trees they never plan on lying in the shade of". While wordy, it shines light on the beauty of seemingly fruitless work. While your work may not bear fruit for you, it may provide the perfect place to bear a different fruit for a different person, or generation. So you make a choice, either through your logic or just your way of life. Do you wish to be the youth that gains everything he wanted in life, or do you take the role of the father who practices great sacrifice of personal pleasure and reward for the reward that is of greater personal worth, providing something for others.

Neither one nor the other is more worthy or better than the other. All colors, all elements and lives are what make this world what it is. This diversity in the choices people make and the lives they live.

Remember, no one carved the grand canyon. Water did. You are the rushing river, and a river never named itself.

Phantom

Don't ever lie to me.

I see deep inside, deeper than you can even see inside yourself.

Past the idea of your love, and past the assumed connection that guards me from your judgement.

I still feel it, it lingers in the air

It touches inside my heart and a vision occurs of what this would be if you weren't so kind to lie.

Kind is a funny word to use when your kindness provokes a grinding stalemate.

I don't wish to stay here and fight your confused heart.

My heart has no questions as I remained true and when I compromise I know.

You are so lost from yourself that you think I am strange, but I am just like you before you were no longer yourself.

Don't call me out, don't laugh at me, and don't you speak my name.

You don't have to say a word, like I said before, when you feel it, when you think it I will know.

Pride

I want nothing more in these days than to be alone so that when the time comes that I fail and have to face the reality of my actions I will be the only one that has to face that fire.

I wish this because I know only may inner walls can withstand that fire, and that this force will be well contained and turned into something even more powerful.

I don't want your sympathy,

I don't want you to care.

This is my battle, my fight. Each step I take is my own. I own this journey and this is my story.

You have been with me all along the way but this is my glory, this is my victory and as sorry as I am, you won't share this with me.

I see it, I don't need you to explain. I just need you to stand aside and be slient while I fight my war. Every word you speak, each time you try and hold me up you take away from me. This may be darkness I dive into. This may be a nightmare that I create. I may bring myself before the gates of hell. I may be burned. I may die.

But I did it proud.

Each time I was faced with something I loved that pain and I loved how I felt that I did it alone. I am flawed that I love seeing myself get destroyed because I came out the otherside alive.

This is pride, it is a sin and I know it well. Give me the room to commit this sin so that I can know the darkness and sometime soon want the light again. I can't breath in without having the wind sucked from my lungs first.