My I'm nuts, or maybe I was back then

Recently I sat down with myself and thought about all the things that have happened in the past year or two. I don't know how much time has really passed because I am terrible with judging large amounts of time.

I realized I had lost much of my confidence. After I had lost many things I have loved my heart and mind began to sink. I apologise now if some of my wording does not make sense. I'm speaking straight from the heart and mind and sometimes I have problems wording things correctly in idle chatter.

It makes me feel like I have failed myself in some odd way because I cannot remember the anniversary of Sam and I. Though I guess to anyone else things like that shouldn't matter considering it's been almost a year now that we have been apart. Almost a year has passed since the last time I had tried to plan a time for us to be together or do something special. It's funny, I would see her twice a week every week. There was even a time she stayed at my home for almost two weeks. Which would be crazy considering we were both only teens. She parents would have filled if they knew she slept in my bed with me. I didn't care. The love was strong. I was 'ignorant' as elders would say. Saying that age didn't matter. But even with how often I would see her I would still plan little things for us to do once a month when that date would come around. I felt it was okay to do so. Life moves so fast you never know when things could just come crashing down. Why not show once a month for that first year how much you care? Why not show it every day? Well I did.Or at least I tried to.

I don't wish to plunge into the feelings I had and the feelings I think she had, and if she ever really had them or not. I've gone over that too many times and each with no answers. It's impossible for me to know when not even she knew. Or at least, she claimed not to know. But things came to a harsh end, I was hurt, so badly I couldn't stand myself. The year we were together was amazing to me. We did so many things. I grew so much.

If it were not for her and her family I would be a totally different person right now. I'm happy with the impact she left of my life and at the same time I hate her for it.Why leave such a beautiful picture hanging on the wall of a place I love so much but can never return to? It's terrible but the memory is still nice.

Once my heart settled I decided I wanted to move on, have some fun but nothing serious like I wanted between me and her. Sadly that wasn't what I got. I fell...hard for yet another and very quickly. I had myself convinced that it was just the build up of feelings I had for Sam flowing over into a new conduit. It was after months that I realized this wasn't true. This woman... Dara... She gave me many reasons to believe I loved her for genuine reasons, not left over feelings. And again I was hurt, deeply. She took a liking to being down on herself, self mutilation... On a very small degree but enough to make me stand up and say something. Time and time again did I say something. It tore us apart. She wanted to deal with her problems on her own. I couldn't do it. I've been taught my entire life to do for others, help whenever you car. Live for someone else, not for yourself. You come second, your loved ones come first. So that's what I did. I tried to help her, I tried to twist her mind to believe she was the beautiful smart valuable young woman she really was. I'm not sure if she did believe it but just wanted to display someone else or if she truly believed she was worthless, or maybe just useless in the eyes of others or unwanted. I partially blamed her mother. She didn't sound like the best of women. That also came to and end.

For reasons I can't understand all the things that made me grow so much through the course of time between these two women started falling in reverse and I was loosing what had made me well... me. So I went back to the people who were always waiting there for me and again I was betrayed and left behind. I had someone or something chosen over me. My self worth kept getting lower and lower. I got the the point where I could not longer outwerdly expresse myself to people, I no longer wanted to. But after my very long talk with myself I finally convinced myself I need to express myself to people and also not care if they care or not. They can take it or leave it, I should not care one bit. A fisherman does not care of the fish that do not bite his line, he cares for the one he does and he works... By god does he work to real in that fish.

Run

The rain falls quickly, painfully. Each drop another reason to seek shelter. When none is near one begins to panic, unsure of the path. The darkness shrouded the mind of those caught without helping hand. Stand alone in a land unknown. Rejection fills the heart in absence of interest and love.

Baby I Promise You

We climb a mountain together but the wind pushes us away from our goal. With every step the journey becomes more difficult and uncertinty pulls us away. I push harder for victory, I spill my heart to keep making the next step. The mountains summit is so close yet so very far. there is no need to turn back to become stronger and return, this single journay will give you the strength. But today sarrow sinks in...

The goal worked so hard to achive must wait. against my efforts we must turn back.

                      

                                                                           I Promise You



                                                                    We Will Reach The Top


                                                                               Together...

          "Baby, one day you will fall. You'll fall and I will catch you. Then you will never have to be afraid again." -Myself 4/3/2011

Beautiful

Call her beautiful, because thats what she is.

With that I almost didn't want to write another word for that says everything I feel. She is beautiful so I let her know. To think she is beautiful is to think she is perfect. Only one person can see another as beautiful. The word means something far beyond the physical appearance. It means you seem perfection in imperfection, harmony in chaos. How the heart replaces the eyes so you see something else, or what something truly is. For she is beautiful, I see her with my heart. I don't not feel her at my side, I feel her within me. Her life and her heart beat with mine. Because everytime my heart beats I feel her.

Where is me.

He sits alone in a dim room, calming music fills the room as he watches a world, another world living and breathing in the emptiness of space. This is me. He stands in an empty field, alone feeling the soul of the wind and the earth flow through him. This is me. He enters the world of the music, watching the vibrations in the form of colors and shapes in his mind. Feeling a story unravel in the sounds without words. This is me. He looks into the blank screen of a computer, conjuring other worlds to express himself to others. This is me. He sits, frustrated that his inspiration has left him. This is me. He wonders about the prison of his mind, fighting against the thoughts and troubles in life. This is me. He is angry, with no outlet to conduct besides the walls. This is me. His heart barley holding up, his fists, hurt and red.... he is left wanting more. This is me. He let's himself become distracted so he will forget his anger and his pain. This is me. He smiles as the distress sits ignored. This is not me. He cries without reason and presses the pedal to the floor feeling his heart race, no longer caring about life. This is not me. He realised the roar of the engine could one day of even then, be the sound of his death. This is not me. He resumes his day, again forgetting the extremes his mind wonders to. This is not me. He is blank, mind fuzzy and congested. He doesn't know what to do or what to say. He doesn't know if what is happening to him needs to stop or needs to be delt with and endured. This is not me. He again questions what is life. This is my false peace.

Sitting in Dream

I walk along this small path, I'm not sure where I'm heading. Beneath my feet are wooden planks. Worn from the years of men and demon traveling from place to place. Collection stories of peoples intent and they traverse. This small path connects the bodies of land, two small islands bathed in moon light. Now that the blanket of night has been ap gently layer over the people who dwell here, the spirits rise. Spirits of joy, harmony, peace, unity... they all rise into the air, they rise into us. Now I sit, I sit of the edge of the world, looking off into a murky space that is constantly shifting. I see the thoughts of one million souls ripple through space and time. The water is so beautiful at night. The small bugs that cry light along the waters surface, how the fire of lanterns dances along the water. No I listen, I listen to nothing. The only sounds are those of the animals in the wild. I hear the cricket, I hear the birds of night, I hear the frogs. Off in the distance I see a line of trees. So dense I could never hope to see beyond them. Like a wall built by nature so we knew not to leave our islands.

My Darkness

My need to be understood has finally over come me and inspired me to create a breakdown of what is my Darkness. For to long my trust in shadows and such has been looked upon and its true meaning not understood. Because of this I have been rejected, criticized, labeled. To understand my darkness you must first erase all knowledge and things learned from media about darkness, and shadows and about what lurks in the dark. Movies, books, religions, all these things have convinced you that the dark stands for that which is evil, That the ones lurking in the dark hide there to inflict harm upon you and your loved ones. None of these things are true. What is true is that those who do wish to inflict harm hide in the shadows to remain unseen and have ruined what the first thought of darkness is. Just as a school can have all the most skilled and intelligent teachers and state of the art learning equipment but as long as the students are reluctant to learn and do not pass the school will be looked down upon, not the students. The darkness is not evil, the darkness does not withhold secrets, and the darkness has never done anything to harm a soul. It is just a primal force, a thing like all other things on earth. Wind, fire, earth, light, darkness, all just forces and elements, none are evil, none or good. In my eyes there are no such things as evil or good. Only kindness and cruelty exist in this life.
                My Darkness… The one which I wish will one day become yours. The one that I wish will one day be understood by all. What I wish is that all things can be understood for their true meaning. That things will no longer be assumed to be know from what image they present.. My darkness is the silence between in notes in beautiful music, my darkness is the shadows that surround you at night to help you fall asleep. My darkness is the candles that create shadows the caress a romantic moments, my darkness is the sky that surrounds a beautiful full moon. My darkness is that which allows the moons light to be seen. My darkness is the calm feeling of walking in a park once the sun has fallen, the stars in the sky. My darkness is beauty, my darkness is love, my darkness is serenity. My darkness is when two dance slowly together and get lost in their passion for each other, the mind no longer is in reality but in a place deep within itself where things are made of thought and emotion. This is darkness for me, because when you turn out all the lights its no longer what you can see you have, its what you can feel.
                During times when I need deep thought or calm to sooth pain of life I turn out all the lights to allow the darkness in.. While in it my mind can travel within itself and exist in its world rather than the one my eyes perceive. I allow the minds power and emotions to rule over realities flesh and bone. What I call the darkness helps me, its acts as all the things that make life worth living. It is my peace, my mind, my soul and all things spiritual that you must feel inside your heart. Things that cannot be seen, they must be felt with things other than your skin.
 
Darkness is Love.